Tuesday, February 28, 2006

whoa

Put the breaks on.
Not so fast.

This isn't going to happen until November, the best I can tell.

Apparently I need 6 months of doctor supervised non surgical dieting before I'm able to submit for precertification for my actual surgery. Add 2 months of paper work and processing, it looks like around Thanksgiving I'll be doing this.

I annoyed and hurt and frustrated.

I'm annoyed no one made mention of this to me until now, two months after I started looking into things. I guess I could have been more proactive, looked at the website to get the criteria, and call my doctor. I'm hurt that the man with the giant mouth, I mean that literally, the man-the patient counselor-the person whom I am to direct all my questions and concerns at Barix-has too many teeth in his mouth or something. They overwhelm his face...Anyway he told me to expect to have the surgery in 90-120 days from the time of my consultation. That would be April to June. Not FREAKING November.

And I'm frustrated. Just because. I know I've gone years being fat. I just saw this as a solution that would have me being healthier sooner rather than later.

And yeah, a girl can diet. I'm gonna be dieting but then how successful do I really want to be, or can I be? It seem counterintuitive if you ask me. But what the fuck ever.

I have an appointment Monday with my PCP, we're going to start her supervised weightloss process. That should be painful just from the prospective that I will have ZERO buy-in in the process. Just biding my time.

And don't get me wrong. I've been working out, I've been thinking about better choices...I do this shit regularly...I just know me and I know why I want the Band. It keeps a girl from over eating or emotionally eating...things that make me fat.

How badly do I want to bury myself in a pile of comfort food right this very minute?

Bitches. Really.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Sleep Study

I didn't sleep.

I tossed and turned and woke before I was awakened.
There were 24 wires attached to me, most in my scalp. I felt like Medusa.

I came home, took a shower to get all the gunk out of my hair and hit the sheets. At home, I slept for 4 hours. Then I got myself to work.

Today I told Miss H and Miss B that I was signing up for the surgery. It felt nice, like I was done hiding a secret from my friends.

The girlfriend and I are talking and relating and loving on each other like we're going to mend.

But my world is full. Not overly concerned if we don't, but rather hoping that we do.

Night.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Boo Hoo

We broke up yesterday.

Part of my words were, "my life is messy and you don't like messy." And really, my life is pretty tame. I'm a single mom, work full-time and I'm back in college full-time. I work everyday toward my plans and goals to make my trip on this planet the best experience I can have. Daily I am grateful for this little life of mine. My pending banding is part of meeting important personal goals. I want my daughter to have an active, healthy mom.

I can't help but think my sweetie or ex-sweetie can't handle that I'm signing up for surgery and that's a huge part of our fight. She hasn't said anything derogatory but is noticeably disquieted when I talk about the details and changes that are required with the band. I'm relatively stable emotionally, but I can't deny that dealing with a lifetime of fat issues is surfacing now. I think that while waiting for the band to get approved by my insurance is a great time to unravel the ugly emotional knots of my obesity. I’m not medicated for emotional issues, I have been in the past and there are times when I think it might not be a bad idea now. But those are passing thoughts. I honestly think I’ve got a decent handle on what makes me tick. I just thought I was with someone who could handle me a little unfiltered and raw.

I was wrong and I'm sad.

But I'm lucky my support, my family and friends are looking out for me and loving me and will see me through all of this.

And no, I will not reconsider getting my band. I have to live in this body. I have do all that I can to be healthy and I know the band is going to be a great tool in getting there.
And, yeah I came home a day early, so what did I do with my holiday? I took myself to the gym and spent an extra hour reacquainting myself with strength training. It was on my list for Wednesday. Like I said I have a plan.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Am I Lazy?

I write that for a few reasons.

I'm giving this address out to more and more people, because I don't feel all that inclined to call everyone and tell them the most recent information. I figure:
many birds-one stone
~OR~
many friend-one blog
But the idea that having a c-pap machine or even the actual surgery will give me more energy and I'll be able to get more done makes me want to take a nap. What I mean by that is I think I do ALOT already. I'm a single mom caring for a kid and maintaining a house by myself, I work full time and I go to school full time. Oh, and then there is scrapping. I don't watch much TV. I can't imagine doing more.
Maybe the difference will be I'll feel better about doing it. Who knows. :)
The sleep study is now next week. I called Barix this week and the patient contact man wasn't fabulous. I wanted fabulous...I think I annoyed him. I understand I can be annoying, but hell, I was only asking questions.
Oh well, I'll be checking with my insurance again soon, see what they can tell me.
Peace, ya' all.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Post Poned

I've post poned my sleep study because my head is full. It's full of snot and I can't breathe through my nose without some fantastic drugs.

I love the drugs. I'm not giving up the drugs, not until this sickness is gone.

At anyrate, what's one more week when I'm looking 3 months before the insurance company approves me.

Makes me think, I need to call them to see where that's at in the system. I went on line to check my account and there aren't any indicators that anyone has inquired. But what they put online for me to read and what is really happening can be two different things.

Happy Valentines Day to me.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Hi Mum.

Aint this something? I've given my mother this address. To be sure, she'll be reading. Mum's pretty savvy on the net and an avid reader.

Hope this gives you the play by play that your neglecting daughter doesn't call you with.

Went to see the sleep study doctor this morning. I got in really fast because of someone else's cancellation. Yippy.

I'll be sleeping in a bed not my own on Valentine's day. That's Tuesday next week. How speedy is that? Apparently nobody else wants that night, they have romantic plans. The scheduler made me feel a pathetic about being available that night so much so, I had to say I got me a honey. It's just a long distance thing. How amazing is that? I'm so concerned about this person's opinion of me I'm sharing details I don't need to be sharing. Oi.

Will I ever be able to not over share? It goes back to that whole gay thing. There's this running joke that I introduce myself, "Hi, I'm Juli. I'm a lesbian." No I don't want to wear a pink triangle on my lapel, but I can see the benefit of not having to perpetually come out. Over and over and over again.

It's exhausting.

So sleep study. Go back in two weeks for a follow up, go back in 2 weeks again. Those are the next steps.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Today's thoughts

So, Viclianco is doctor A, my family physican is doctor B, and the new guy is doctor C.

Doctor C got back to me. He apparently will be STARTING to do the procedure this summer. I didn't hang around to find out what the next steps would be to be his first lapband patient. Call me crazy, but I'll take my chances at a stand alone facility over an inexperienced doctor. He can learn on someone not me.

I just wish I could hurry along the process.

I'm feeling pretty giant. I know I can actively lose weight right now as I wait and I'm probably going to, just because I'm eating better, moving more and drinking all the water. Just to get in the right frame of mind. But FFS, I wanted this done a month ago. How long is it going to be?

The debate in my head is who do I tell. Right now I'm keeping rather mum at work. Only the big fatties and Emm am I sharing with. The fatties or used to be fatties, get it. Emm just gets to hear nearly every passing thought in my head. There's no not telling her. How do I erect a sign that says don't even say a word? I already have a pretty scathing sheild around me. I like being unapproachable. It alarms people when I do actually smile. Can't think I'm vapid. Okay, there's a giant step between nice and vapid, but I'm keeping with my original story.

Until later,

Saturday, February 04, 2006

sleep study

Dr. Viglianco, the lapband doc wants me to get a sleep study. I have to do that through my primary care physician, Dr. Sams.

Yesterday I called Sams. She wants me to look at a different doctor who is affiliated with a hospital, not in a stand alone facility. She's still having her people set me up for the sleep study because either/any doctor is going to want it. Her concern is if there are complication during surgery being in a hospital will save precious moments. I get it. I also get that I'd rather have a doctor who only does WLS. Also, I want this surgery right now! (Insert a foot stomping, 6 year temper tantrum here.) It took me a month to get in with Dr. Vig.

I called the other doctor. I do keep my word. Why is it that I was annoyed that there wasn't a "new patient" prompt in the automated system. I finally got some administrator who connected me and gave me the extension of the right person. I called Friday morning, left a message. Called again in the afternoon and left a message. No response. Ohh, I'm not feeling good about this practice. I know people are busy, but in a money generating business you need to pretend to care.

Let us never forget that we are consumers of a product/service. This is America and this is a capitalistic society. You sell a service, I buy it, you act like I'm important and I tell everyone you're the best person I gave my money to. It's easy.

There was a news piece on the local news about lapbands yesterday afternoon. Seems like this is going to become a popular procedure. I can certainly understand why.

On the GF note, she asked if my people thought she put me up to the surgery. Or blamed her in some way for me deciding right now to do this. When I told Gee about the conversation, she said the only obvious thing this points out is that GF hasn't learned yet that I don't do a damn thing I don't want to do.

And reassuringly enough, while talking with the EX about the whole thing, and I'm talking to the EX about the whole thing because it does impact on her via the kid and the kid's schedule, she was supportive. The woman can make explanations for everything (or excuses) and sometimes there's a real benefit to that skill. She said it was clear that I've tried other ways and other ways don't work. This is a reasonable next step.

Back in 2001, January as I recall, we were still together and I said I wanted to have a RNY surgery. I was 40 heavier than I am right now. She said that she'd never really witnessed me trying to diet. Which was true. So I tried. I joined WW and lost 75 lbs. Yeah me! Really it was -90 at that point. There were a 15 that I got rid of before joining WW.

Anyway, this weight stuff is a pain in the ass. I think if I had reason to curse someone I'd curse them not with a 10,000 locust on their house, though that would really be horrible, I've lived through 2-17 year locust returns and eww, but I'd curse someone with being perpetually fat.

It's hard.
You question your sanity. It's like there's a piece of you that you have no control over. I mean think of someone who is actually crazy, hitting himself on the head repeatedly. He knows it hurts, but he can't stop. The head hitter doesn't get advertisements saying hit himself. He also doesn't hear from the world at large that hitting himself is wrong and he's got no self control, that hitting makes him ugly, stupid and unworthy of normal desires. And when he does get the message from the caring people to stop, he's hurting himself and he still can't, the shame of it all only compounds the pain in the whole process.

And if I could walk around compulsively smacking myself in the head instead of putting the wrong food in my mouth, I think I'd just might start that. It would be my luck I'd smack myself in the head with one hand, looking like a loon, and spoon feeding myself with the other.

The up side to all of this is that somehow thinking of overeating as an illness that can be, at best cured or managed well, is encouraging. Nay, promising even.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

What I'm asking my doctor today at 2pm

Questions

Am I a candidate?
Other factors:
Snoring
Pain in my knee going up stairs
Foot pain
Reflux

Before Surgery:
What are the next steps?
Sleep Study
Nutritionist
Psychologist
Are the support meetings, how often do they meet?
Do you require a pre-surgery liquid diet?

About the Surgery
Is it outpatient or over night?
I react to anesthesia poorly. I needed Phenergan after my breast reduction.
What kind of incisions can I expect?
How long does the surgery take?
Which band will you use?
How much saline does it hold?
What exactly is the liquid and what happens if it leaks into my body?
Where does the port go, exactly?


After Surgery
How long should I be off work?
When can I pick up my 50 pound kid?
How long before the first fill?
How long between fills?
What’s the initial food plan? What are your opinions on liquid protein?
How do I take medications?
Should I have liquid Tylenol or Ibuprofen on hand? Should I avoid either?
What is the cost of a fill?
When do I get back to exercising? Are there strength exercises I should avoid?
When should I expect to be back to full energy level?
How soon before resuming sex?

Surgery Gone Wrong
Give me some worst case scenarios and how they are righted.