Wow three times a week.

There's some real work avoidance happening here.

I ordered a Bodybugg this week. I can't wait to get it. I think it will inspire a renewed diligence to recording my food and working these freaking pounds off of me.

I've got a huge paper due on Sunday, an work audit in a week and I can't pull away from the here and LBT. That's some stuff considering.

Going out tonight with old friends. I know there will be drinking involved. I hope not to over do it. And that means more than 2 because ol' Juli here is light weight when it comes to drinking. But I'm going out with drinkers...and you know, when in Rome.

Between now and then I'll be spending 2 hours in the gym. All is good.

Better Still

Today was better and hopefully tomorrow will be better still. I stayed away from the coffee, though I did have some dark chocolate, but it was at night, not at my desk and it was thoughtful, not just cause.

I worked out hard today. I will again tomorrow. I've had this goal to go to a boxing gym and give it a try. That's supposed to happen on Saturday, but I've yet to call. I'm acting all chicken. It's not because of my size, it's just my discomfort doing new things. I like my life calm and steady. (That's how she got my attention.)

I did go and get fitted for running shoes today though. I'd like to say my time on the treadmill felt like I was floating on air. But I forgot a sports' bra and was too busy holding my boobs while running to notice my feet. Good thing I was alone in the gym, otherwise I'd probably given running a pass today. But the one minute on and one minute walk is working out fine. Just fine.

I was unusually tired today too. I actually took a nap after work. That was delightful. Now of course I'm wide ass awake but I have reading to do that will surely put me to sleep. Off to do that now.

Fun, fun.

October October

Ugh.
My eating isn't focused at all. Today I actually pulled my head out of my ass for a minute and got away from eating sugar and coffee. It's like if I allow myself coffee in the morning it's all over for the day. Well that's how it feels at the end of they cycle. I'll go a few weeks with out coffee, drinking tea etc. Then I buy a coffee, be it Starbucks or at work and the next thing you know I'm drinking it everyday, then I'm having two and that's a good 200 calories because I like it creamy...so then it's easier to let the chocolate slide in.

I'm hoping I can do it tomorrow as well. Really I need to do a little better tomorrow again. I know I'll be working out like a maniac tomorrow and Wednesday. Lord I hope a lose a few pounds between the old head out of the ass and eating better....

I've lost my manners

I was just eating some scrambled eggs at work, at my desk, and the texture was off, too hard, so with out thinking I spit it back on to my plate.

I didn’t even think someone might be looking. The second the food hit the plate I look up with a line of spit from my lip still attached to the yucky little pile, just to catch a co-workers’ eye.

Nice.

That’s right, I might be getting all sexy-fine as another co-worker calls me. But that, that was really hot. I'm so proud.

Fifty Percent

I've lost half of my weight I'm intending on losing. That means I'm down 90 pounds. It is a lot of weight to lose, the 90 but more so the 180.

I've been glued to LBT and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling the weight loss is more real, but visualizing the out come has become increasing difficult. I really try not to think about it.

Yesterday, A offered to do some kind of celebration when I get to my goal. I hadn't thought about that. I've thought about the party I want when I get done with school, but not the weight...hmmmm

So while biking my 32 miles later in the day I pondered this, because it felt weird. I think it has to do with school being finite. Being morbidly obese, (MO) will never end, it's an illness I'll recover from but having an eating disorder will be something I will always have to manage, it will never end.

That's a new thought. I know there's help out there for people managing long term illnesses and I think that's my next avenue to explore. It doesn't make me sad, nor does the thought of never getting away from my eating issues make me want die. Once upon a time, I'd probably just bury the thought under a pile of food and forget the feelings. But you know, I've become the girl of no excuses. Now that I see the MO in a different light, like never ending, but manageable, I'm going to have to pick that a part.

It doesn't feel like an epiphany either. It just seems like yet another descriptor of myself, like green eyes and cute feet. Girl with illness. Hell, anyone who looked/s at me knows there's something a miss. Funny I'm just now seeing it in that way. And managing an illness is better than being on the end of the tail. You know the end of long tail flails around, not really sure which way it wag. Managing is at the base and there may be some movement but the arc isn't nearly as wide.

I need to clean up metaphor. I know what I mean.....ha!

Well, there's that.