Fifty Percent

I've lost half of my weight I'm intending on losing. That means I'm down 90 pounds. It is a lot of weight to lose, the 90 but more so the 180.

I've been glued to LBT and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling the weight loss is more real, but visualizing the out come has become increasing difficult. I really try not to think about it.

Yesterday, A offered to do some kind of celebration when I get to my goal. I hadn't thought about that. I've thought about the party I want when I get done with school, but not the weight...hmmmm

So while biking my 32 miles later in the day I pondered this, because it felt weird. I think it has to do with school being finite. Being morbidly obese, (MO) will never end, it's an illness I'll recover from but having an eating disorder will be something I will always have to manage, it will never end.

That's a new thought. I know there's help out there for people managing long term illnesses and I think that's my next avenue to explore. It doesn't make me sad, nor does the thought of never getting away from my eating issues make me want die. Once upon a time, I'd probably just bury the thought under a pile of food and forget the feelings. But you know, I've become the girl of no excuses. Now that I see the MO in a different light, like never ending, but manageable, I'm going to have to pick that a part.

It doesn't feel like an epiphany either. It just seems like yet another descriptor of myself, like green eyes and cute feet. Girl with illness. Hell, anyone who looked/s at me knows there's something a miss. Funny I'm just now seeing it in that way. And managing an illness is better than being on the end of the tail. You know the end of long tail flails around, not really sure which way it wag. Managing is at the base and there may be some movement but the arc isn't nearly as wide.

I need to clean up metaphor. I know what I mean.....ha!

Well, there's that.