redundancy

When the titles pop up as other ones I've typed you know it's a bit redundant.

So I'm trying to type with less slang and more articulation. It seems a bit pretentious but also, when it comes time to write the book I expect it will hold me in better stead.

Just sayin'

It's hard though.

Any way to up date. Tomorrow I go for the second opinion on the plastic surgery. I've already been approved for surgery, well for the excess skin and tissue on my torso to be removed, but not my arms, legs or breasts. So that's not the issue.

The issue is if the two docs are on the same page. Like how much will this one think he'll remove? What kind of incisions will he be making? What kind of drains, follow up and protocols? Is my Columbus man reasonable, is the Cincinnati doctor going to be exceptionally better? There's going to be a few follow up drives. I don't know how much I'm going to want to drive to Cincy if the doctor in Columbus is equal.

So I'm hoping for equal. I don't dislike the Columbus Doc, but I figure I considering the extent of this surgery having a second opinion is warranted.

I did actually have a good day as far as eating awareness goes. I only had two meals and a snack. I'm trying to ditch the sugar and simple carbohydrates. It's 9:30 and all is well. I should go and track it, but that just wears me down after a bit. I want to find a way to control my eating without tracking. I know I've said in the past if that's the one thing I have to do to get my weight off, I'll do it. But I'm looking for solutions that will get my weight off that don't include having to track what I eat.

It's about being aware of what you put in your mouth. I'm pretty cognizant of that right now.

We'll see.

Otherwise, life is good. The kid broke her arm. She has a pink cast to go with the pink Xmas tree so we're going to have a pink, pink holiday.

Thanksgiving

So here's to giving thanks for a happy life. One that is healthy and full of activities of my own design.

I'm having plastic surgery in April if all things go according to plan. The biggest hurdle to get past now is financing. We'll see if I can get credit for the surgery or not. With all the student loans and other debt I have it might be doubtful.

I figure when I know what it's going to cost me, I'll start worrying about it deeply.

Now there are other worries. Like what to get Zoe and A for X mas. Also.

I'm annoyed with google/blogger/yahoo and all it takes to get into this blog. Ugh.

Rock on, I'll post more as there is time.

Plastic Surgery

Well there's a bit of a time cruch happening in my life right now.

I can't seem to want to make the time to do things that I used to do like being on line with lapbanded people. I used to like riding my bike. I used to like cooking....

Well I still like all those those things but there is little time for it.

I have been making committments for my time when I'm done with school which isn't that far away. I'm kind of scared that I'm over promissing what I can do.

But more to the title of this blog. I've seen a plastic surgeon about removing my skin. I think I need to see a second one about getting the skin gone just to compare the two. But getting to the first one was a bit of effort like everything in my life is right now. However, it is the smart thing to do, so I'll do it.

The good news is there's a bunch of weight which will be cut off of me in the way of skin...but the bad news is that the skin is going to be CUT off of me. OUCH! And it's going to be costly and painful....

So there is a quick entry. I'm looking into the surgery now. Maybe it will happen in April, maybe in June. Hopefully the sooner the better. ;)

Forgot I had this thing going

Now that's something. How does one forget such a thing as having a blog???

Anyway, the weight has been slow to come off. School is taking a toll on most aspects of my life, like time to bike and exercise in general, and finding time to be social.

Of course, I see the GF and I make a point to play with my daughter but if you are not one or the other you can essentially kiss my time in your life goodbye. Okay, if you work with me and corner me in my office I'll talk to you too, but I really do try not to do too much of that either. As I see it, the more schoolin' I get done at work the more time I have for other things in my life. But wouldn't you know it, there is work to do too while I'm there. I have a sense of obligation to do that. Go figure.

But I worry a tad that I'm not going to make it down the home stretch of the weight loss on the optimal time frame. I'm trying to wrap my head around a less than optimal timeframe but that starts eating (ha, pun) into my other objectives...like getting a new job, buying a new house and moving into the very real Phase II, of the new and improved life of Juli.

But alas, there are always changes to plans...but still the original kind of goes like this: Get to 160 by January. Stay there for 6 months, get plastic surgery over the summer while work is slow and while I still work for the state and then move on. I'm about 25 away from 160 and I'm acting and eating like a woman who doesn't want to lose weight.

I need to start acting like losing weight is one of my highest priorities. I need to move it to the top of the list so I get it done like it needs to be.

This is me talking to myself. Is there a coach out there? Someone want to help psyche me up?

Looks like I need to go knock on a few doors of those I know who do that kind of thing.

Rock on.

Stalling

I'm not stalling to keep from doing that I 'should' be doing, my weight is stalling. It has everything to do with how I'm not eating like I should. I'm really at a loss about how to get my eating back in line.

I mean overall I eat better than I ever did. And I blame the MBA for keeping me a bit overwhelmed...I am feeling accomplished in my life, it's just the food choices are easier to grab something quick than it is to grab something complicated.

But I do things like bake bread. Like a girl needs to be baking bread...so it's not about time. It's about flavor or just not caring. I dunno,

These are some random thoughts.

What's cool I'm going to be meeting someone who wants to chat about getting her business started. Kind of like a test "coach" thing for the both of us. I like that it's on the radar.

Okay, there's not really much to write. I'm just filling the obligation of at least one post a month. Who knew I'd run out ideas. But for real there just aren't any....

write more

I'm stalling.

I have a test to take, two papers to write and a quiz.

I've got six hours to get it done.

I'm stalling.

I also need to workout, eat breakfast and eat lunch.

But I see that I'm not posting on here much at all. So apparently the best use of my time is to write more, right now.

I get a fill on Monday, I canceled my last fill before it happened. I'm a little scared because I am tight at times but other times, like in the middle of the day I can eat an entire sausage biscuit. Why I had a sausage biscuit in my world is another question to be answered, but I did and I ate it all!
But there are times like now I've been up for 3 hours and all I can get in me is coffee. I'll shoot for oatmeal in about an hour. It won't go down easily but it will go down. Then the gloves will come off and I'll be able to eat and eat and eat. Particularly if I go at it slowly and pick for an hour.
So with the fill comes the commitment to bring my food to work, to only spend 30 minutes a meal, to drink my water in between. to take my vitamins.

The good news is I'm working out appropriately. Could I do more? Physically probably, but there's no time in my life for more than an hour or a half an hour a day working out. So I do that and I feel okay about it. I might actually go for a longer bike ride next week, Tuesday. Woot.

Okay, time to hit the books!

Slacker

I'm so not a slacker. I'm really very diligent, nearly always. My goal is to tie my diligence to some money making vehicle.

I'm on my way. You know, the book, the public speaking, the executive coaching.

Step one, get an MBA.
Step two, lose 180 pounds.

Step three get a new job.
Step four write a book.

Nothing to it. Not a thing.

The weight has started moving again, which is good. It has everything to do with my dedication to moving more, not eating less. I'm just not at the place where I can so no to offensive food easily. It will come again. I have a fill scheduled....

Life's okay. Busy but good. I'm blessed.

So Much the Same So Different

I don't look like a fat girl any more. Well I look like a former fatty, we can spot each other, well pre-plastic surgery.

I've lost my membership to the fat girl club too. You know when you catch the eye of a similar sized person and you acknowledge each other. Yeah, I was looking across the room at this SMO woman and she looked right through me, didn't give me a second glance.

It didn't make me sad but it was noticeable. I just want to give a power to the people to the people who don't get much in the way friendliness. But can't force something like that, huh?

I was walking into a new gym last week and had to pump myself up and do all that positive self talk like you belong here, people aren't going to expect you to keel over and die in the first 5 minutes on the treadmill, it was odd. Then I got the mental picture, that whoa, I'm regular sized, I'll be just fine.

There's that stuff and then there's how do I get the last 60 pounds off? I was hankering for my original mojo and bemoaning that I just couldn't find it after months of trying. I correlated it to a relationship, you can only be new once. Then you grow it together. Most folks think of weight loss as a get it off then maintain it. It's impossible to feel the same way about something a year or 2 later.

Anyway thoughts to save for a later time.

DETOX

Oh I love me some sugar. Give me all the sugar you can, simple carbs too. Pour the ketchup on it.

YUM, yum, yum.

It's actaully quite sad. I was just telling the GF I need to detox this week. I figure it's time. It's spring. I kept the weight loss going slowly durning the cold weather, but cycling is back. I want to see my goals met. If I don't get serious again it will never happen.

I find I'm full of advice for other people, but I need to apply it to myself.

Also, the birthday is passed. The cherry chip cake has been eaten and it's done. I'm going to purge the house tomorrow of the left overs from the party.

The good news is however, that at 40 I feel happier, healthier, sexier, and more in control of my life than I did at 30 and particularly at 20. I just wish my skin was as nice as it was at 20, but you can't have it all.

Things are busy which equals good. Will write more on the detox/purge as it happens.

One year later

I was banded a year ago on Saturday. Happy Banniversary!

It's been an amazing year! I'm so happy I made the decision to be banded. I'm 112 pounds lighter than I was in January 07, and that's fantastic!

I'll be sharing more as I it comes into my head. There are times like today that I just don't feel up to blogging....you'll have that!

OHH ache EYE OHH

OHIO, is waht that's supposed to mean.

The LBTers of Central Ohio got together today at Polaris mall and chatted about our experiernces with the process. There were about 12 people there, which was very cool.

I think I was further out than most of the women, (and one dude) so it felt like I talked too much. There's one or two people who are going to work hard to keep the group functioning and that's cool, because normally we know that Juli would be volunteering to contribute. I'll contribute by showing up. There is just no time.

I'm learning, Chris. I'm learning.

Well that brings me to the BMA, grad school problem. I'm not doing A work. Not for lack of trying, it's just that I don't seem to understand what is expected of me so I keep missing points here and there. I'm a solid B student at the moment and that's just no acceptable. It's kicking my ego's butt; and my ego isn't used to feeling dumb. I figure there's a solution out there, I just need to find it. If other people can get an A I can too. So part of my plan is a little more dedication and less slacking. TV is too much of a drawl and time eater. I've decided to tune it out again.

If I've not said this before, I know it sound sactamonious to say TV is evil, but holy cow it is. I love it though. I love everything about it. How I can go numb watching, how slick and beautiful commercials look, fun and moving story lines, social commentary in things like South Park and The Family Guy...I could go on. I love old movies too. Drool...TV....

But it's a soul sucker, time sucker of a lover and doesn't give you much back for all the you give it. So I'm kicking it out of my life again. It's hard though now with the DVR and the new TV going up in the bed room. GF asked for that and I want her to feel welcome here so GF is getting it.

Anyway, I realized that I've been posting here now over two years. Yee Haw and such. I can't recall how long I blogged on the last one, but this is cool.

BAM BAM

Is this the time and place to journal? I’ve got piles of things to do on the list. Actually I have yet to make a list…that’s on my agenda as well.

I worked all weekend, many, many hours which is fantastic; I can pay some bills. School starts today. Grad school. My MBA. I’m scared. It’s easier to stand still paralyzed than to actually move forward. Of course the ticking of the clock and legitimate deadlines are going to drive me away from this frozen state but just not yet.

At least my weight is moving again. The GF and I decided to track our food and hold each other accountable for three days. We had three days of success. We’ve committed for the next three days as well. I’m not sure what’s inspired the new commitment if it is my one year surgery anniversary coming up and I’m not under 200 pounds or if I was feeling full of pity or anger about the skin.

The skin is hideous, horrible, ugly and just plain bad. The skin makes me sad when I look at myself and I know it’s only going to get worse. But it’s par for the course. I knew it was going to happen but I just hoped I would somehow be spared. No such luck. But talking luck or happiness I need to get perspective and that’s happening. Regardless of what was impeding me, I’ve pushed it aside and I’m doing much better. Still a little blue or could be a little tired, but it’s working its way out.

Three cheers to a half gallon of water and 1300 calories a day. Woo Hoo.

Deliberatly Eating Poorly

Here's a new one for me.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.

Do it again.

There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?

Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.

This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.

She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.

There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.

BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.

Sleep is overrated.

There is something to be said about on line forums for meeting other people with like interests.

I’ve meet a few folks from across the US from LBT, from Florida, California, Michigan and Indiana in the flesh.

I’m supposed to meet a woman in Las Vegas when we go in a few weeks. That should be fun. I don’t know when, considering me and the SO have a fun packed schedule with a canyon bike tour, shows, clubs, wine tasting and gambling. I don’t know when we are going to sleep? Who need sleep? Sleep is for wimps.

The truth of the matter is I don’t sleep much anymore and I don’t watch TV all the much, maybe a few hours a week, and typically it’s a rental movie. I feel like I have the life of two people. Like I’ve got time enough to do twice the recreational of the average person; you know the whole going to school full-time and working full-time thing.

I was telling the SO that I’m feeling really proud of myself right now. The 4.0 at school, losing weight consistently, running, Zoe is good and doing better, my relationship with the SO is fantastic. We just did a retreat to plan, “Our Best Year Yet.” I’m making new friends with the biking gals. Of course Ms Pragmatic told me to not get too comfortable because that’s when trouble happens. She’s right, it is…but I’m basking for a moment.

I’m working pretty hard at getting to 199. My official weight is 207 at this moment and really my average loss is about 5 pounds a month. So I should be seeing 199 by Valentine’s Day. I want to see it sooner. So I’m eating differently and I’ve kicked up the cardio, which means I’m actually doing cardio on my non-running days. I’m on the elliptical trainer after my strength training. I’m changing the strength routine too. But there’s a whole different post in that.

That’s enough for today. Over and out.

Stovetop Stuff

Something I wrote on Lapbandtalk.com:

I feel the same way as you do about being tired of this process. But then I think this is not a process, this is my life. There are times when I get tired of my life too! :) Those are the times where a wait a week to pay my bills or I sleep a few extra hours instead of doing laundry...and when I take a breather from being hyper vigilant about food and exercise for a week or two.

The beauty part is, that I know after a small rest I'll get back to it. I'll pay my bills, I do my laundry and I'll take my health serious again. With the band I'm not going to fall away from caring for myself as long (years at times) as I used to AND while I'm on sabbatical I don't gain 10 or 60 pounds as I did in the past.

I expect there will come a time when weight loss/health isn't boiling high on my front burner, but I think it will always simmer on stove for the rest of my life, maybe on the back of the stove. I'll stir the pot occasionally but it will never be done. And to extend this metaphor even further...I've cooked the same recipe before but took it off the stove, put it in Tupperware, tossed in the back of the fridge and forgot about it until much later; later when I rediscovered the mold growing matter I couldn't even recognize what it once was.