Here's a new one for me.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.
Do it again.
There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?
Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.
This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.
She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.
There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.
BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.
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I feel your pain on the skin. At my fattest, I never had issues being naked. I walked around the house flauntin' it!
Now I prefer being in a tank top and panties. When I'm getting it on with husband, I kill the moment, with my self-consciousness. Instead of internally thinking about it, I lift up a flab of skin and go 'ewwie!'. Yeah, that does it for him hah hah. But I can't help myself.
And eating the junk, I don't know the answer to that either! I deliberately eat things, and while I am stuffing it in my pie hole, I'm mumbling 'stop stop, don't do it'.. 'nom nom nom nom'.
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