Okay~ That's a fake it until you make it Fantastic.
I'm doing better today than I had been the last few days. Though I started the morning with bacon and eggs. I rarely eat bacon. I know my bacon days are numbered.
I wonder how typical my experiences are with food and weight. Personally I only have one other super obese - nice descriptor, huh - friend. We eat for different reasons and we pile it into our mouths differently. She's a slow and steady sit down to far too much food kind of gal. I'm a quick and dirty let's eat regular portions of food but 10-12 times a day eater. Yeah, I'll have 2 breakfasts, lunches and dinners.
I know there are other people who are the same height and weight and age. We all got here by eating too much and not disregarding our body's health. Interesting.
As I really gear up for this band part of me is saying good bye to bad habits, old ways of comforting myself that I just won't have available to me. I'm happy to be parting ways. You know like getting ready to go on an extended trip to parts of the world vastly different from what I know. I'm excited at the prospect learning new ways to cope and new ways to be. The difference is that you return home from a journey. I don't want to come back to here. I guess you never are the same after you travel. You are changed by your experiences, what you saw, who you met.
The band is going to be like that for me too I hope.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Yuck
This is the lapband blog...I was reading all the posts on bandsters the yahoo group for the thinkers and doers. I'm excited and scared...
Really my head isn't on all that right now. It's racing and I don't know why.
I was short tempered with my kid today. Was it her making me nuts? Or was I nutty so her regular behavior drove me to shouting?
My bills are paid, the school thing is under control. Work, the special committees are overwhelming me. I think I want to step down before fall as I orginally planned. I've got so much stuff on my plate and I keep thinking about the drugery of the tasks ahead for that.
I know working out tomorrow will make me feel better. I didn't go Friday because the meeting ran late and I had to get the kid. Saturday we had a play date at home, I didn't even think about me not getting exercised, just Zoe and then today I was crancky as all hell. I got her on her bike and I ran behind her up and down the sidewalk a few times. That did help my head. But damn, I want this bad mood to stop. Is exercise really that tightly linked? I'm guessing and I'll let you know.
On top of that I'm weepy.
I called a friend today to come and hang out, just so Zoe could refocus her self on someone, not me for an hour, and my friend said, "not it". I balled.
I called someone else and said, I'm making dinner wanna eat? I didn't tell him the motivation. And he came, we ate, Zoe got some affection/attention from not me and life was better.
But talking to the LDR-GF(long distance relationship, girlfriend) I nearly burst into tears again that or just feed me some raw meat. I could fight someone right now. She calmed me down by talking about our favorite subject, which of course is us. Us now, us in the past, us romantically, us humorously. It was good.
Then I got on line. I hit OIC, the local on line web place we met August 2004, and I got all yucky all over agian. Just looking to chat up some old friends, but really I don't have many nor do I have the gumption to make more at this time, but I got sad.
Oy.
Looks like real life is bleeding into the WLS blog. I guess it was bound to happen. I should hop over to blogdrive and check out the old blog.
Peace
Really my head isn't on all that right now. It's racing and I don't know why.
I was short tempered with my kid today. Was it her making me nuts? Or was I nutty so her regular behavior drove me to shouting?
My bills are paid, the school thing is under control. Work, the special committees are overwhelming me. I think I want to step down before fall as I orginally planned. I've got so much stuff on my plate and I keep thinking about the drugery of the tasks ahead for that.
I know working out tomorrow will make me feel better. I didn't go Friday because the meeting ran late and I had to get the kid. Saturday we had a play date at home, I didn't even think about me not getting exercised, just Zoe and then today I was crancky as all hell. I got her on her bike and I ran behind her up and down the sidewalk a few times. That did help my head. But damn, I want this bad mood to stop. Is exercise really that tightly linked? I'm guessing and I'll let you know.
On top of that I'm weepy.
I called a friend today to come and hang out, just so Zoe could refocus her self on someone, not me for an hour, and my friend said, "not it". I balled.
I called someone else and said, I'm making dinner wanna eat? I didn't tell him the motivation. And he came, we ate, Zoe got some affection/attention from not me and life was better.
But talking to the LDR-GF(long distance relationship, girlfriend) I nearly burst into tears again that or just feed me some raw meat. I could fight someone right now. She calmed me down by talking about our favorite subject, which of course is us. Us now, us in the past, us romantically, us humorously. It was good.
Then I got on line. I hit OIC, the local on line web place we met August 2004, and I got all yucky all over agian. Just looking to chat up some old friends, but really I don't have many nor do I have the gumption to make more at this time, but I got sad.
Oy.
Looks like real life is bleeding into the WLS blog. I guess it was bound to happen. I should hop over to blogdrive and check out the old blog.
Peace
Thursday, January 26, 2006
One week
I'm down to waiting one more week. That's when I get to have my consultation with the doctor about the band. That's when I get my growing list of questions answered.
Things are fabulous with me and my honey.
My kid is fine.
My work is work.
The bills are paid and I CAN buy groceries.
Life is good.
Things are fabulous with me and my honey.
My kid is fine.
My work is work.
The bills are paid and I CAN buy groceries.
Life is good.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Weekend
Spent the weekend with my girly girl.
It was fantastic!
However, my weight has peaked. I say that because my out of control eating behavior has subsided and I know I'm going to drop a few pounds.
There's a magic number between 295-300 where I snore. My daughter doesn't really complain, my girlfriend on the other hand doesn't so much complain, but I know it bothers her.
I snored this weekend. I snored when we met and it stopped when I lost the 30# this year, but 20 pounds is back on. I hate that I snore. I hate that it hurts my throat, I hate that the only reason for it is my weight. It makes me mad. I can fight the other stuff. I can move my body. I work out, I pick up boxes of stuff and move things at work. I dance. I can counter all the fat stereotypes when I'm waking. When I sleep however, I can't do a thing about the snoring. I try to stay awake longer than her, hoping that once I won't wake her. I sleep with my face in the pillow hoping that face down is better than face up...it's just not restful.
Not to mention being with her isn't restful. I'm yawning as I type. Since we only get together once a month or so, it's almost like being new again the first night, that excited energy. The second night I know we are parting in the morning so I cling to every second, every piece of contact I can knowingly make. I really do prefer 3 nights or more. The third night I can find comfort and rest.
I told her I am 99.9% sure I'm going forward with the band. It was nice, her support.
We were walking out of a restaurant, I noticed a camera facing our car, I suggested we give a little show, kissy-kissy, for the viewing pleasure of who ever was watching. My girl is modest. Laughing I asked how she felt about being with and exhibitionist, (not really). She said, "When you lose weight I'm worried, because I know that's the only thing keeping you from performing."
She is so right.
The best part of that statement, was "when" not "if". She's on the same page as me. Bless her heart. Actually bless everyone I've told. There's been nothing but encouragement and understanding from my mom to my friends to a select few coworkers. My people are fabulous.
Reading posts on the yahoo group, taking it all in, not posting anything. Just gathering information.
It was fantastic!
However, my weight has peaked. I say that because my out of control eating behavior has subsided and I know I'm going to drop a few pounds.
There's a magic number between 295-300 where I snore. My daughter doesn't really complain, my girlfriend on the other hand doesn't so much complain, but I know it bothers her.
I snored this weekend. I snored when we met and it stopped when I lost the 30# this year, but 20 pounds is back on. I hate that I snore. I hate that it hurts my throat, I hate that the only reason for it is my weight. It makes me mad. I can fight the other stuff. I can move my body. I work out, I pick up boxes of stuff and move things at work. I dance. I can counter all the fat stereotypes when I'm waking. When I sleep however, I can't do a thing about the snoring. I try to stay awake longer than her, hoping that once I won't wake her. I sleep with my face in the pillow hoping that face down is better than face up...it's just not restful.
Not to mention being with her isn't restful. I'm yawning as I type. Since we only get together once a month or so, it's almost like being new again the first night, that excited energy. The second night I know we are parting in the morning so I cling to every second, every piece of contact I can knowingly make. I really do prefer 3 nights or more. The third night I can find comfort and rest.
I told her I am 99.9% sure I'm going forward with the band. It was nice, her support.
We were walking out of a restaurant, I noticed a camera facing our car, I suggested we give a little show, kissy-kissy, for the viewing pleasure of who ever was watching. My girl is modest. Laughing I asked how she felt about being with and exhibitionist, (not really). She said, "When you lose weight I'm worried, because I know that's the only thing keeping you from performing."
She is so right.
The best part of that statement, was "when" not "if". She's on the same page as me. Bless her heart. Actually bless everyone I've told. There's been nothing but encouragement and understanding from my mom to my friends to a select few coworkers. My people are fabulous.
Reading posts on the yahoo group, taking it all in, not posting anything. Just gathering information.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Obsession
My complete obsession with the Lapband is diminishing a little, which is good.
I get ideas in my head and I can't shake them for a few weeks. It doesn't mean that I'm not married to the idea it means I've processed the hell out of it and can't pick it apart any more. Well not until I get more information. And that is still 2 weeks away. So it gets filtered out or sent to the back burner to simmer.
My head is on my kid and doing my homework and doing my job and going away this weekend. Which means there is laundry to do, a dog to wash, fish food to buy, things to get done so I can hang with the girl for two days and not worry about what's going undone at home.
The girl-who is really a 40 year old woman- lives in Michigan I live 284 miles away in Ohio, we sometimes meet in the middle, in the thriving metropolis of Toledo. What's to do in Toledo in January? Who cares, so long as we are together. I'm going up tomorrow, after class.
But let's talk about her take on the Lapband shall we?
Much to my surprise we started dating 15 months ago. I was pushing 300 pounds. She's 5'8'' and hovers around 170. Yeah her, not being hung up on size. We hit it off.
We knew from the get go she was due to be transferred, we both thought it would end when she moved. We kept it casual and light. We kept it going after the transfer. We fell in real live grown up love. We are in between monogamous and committed forever.
I told her after I set my consultation that I was going to really consider WLS. She asked all the right questions. I offered to send her some links to get information, she said she'd be looking it up on her own. I think she wants to find unbiased information. Cool with me. She's not coming to the consultation, but she wants to help with the surgery and the recovery. I expected that, but I also would not have been surprised if she pulled away. We push and pull at times. Anyway, this lapband jounrey.
And this is just an aside. The girl. She's fine. She's not just tall and normal sized. But she's down right attractive by everybody's standards. She loves her family. She's also a professional who makes too much money. She has the right balance between attaching herself to my kid and respecting she might not be a permanent fixture so doesn't over do it.
I get ideas in my head and I can't shake them for a few weeks. It doesn't mean that I'm not married to the idea it means I've processed the hell out of it and can't pick it apart any more. Well not until I get more information. And that is still 2 weeks away. So it gets filtered out or sent to the back burner to simmer.
My head is on my kid and doing my homework and doing my job and going away this weekend. Which means there is laundry to do, a dog to wash, fish food to buy, things to get done so I can hang with the girl for two days and not worry about what's going undone at home.
The girl-who is really a 40 year old woman- lives in Michigan I live 284 miles away in Ohio, we sometimes meet in the middle, in the thriving metropolis of Toledo. What's to do in Toledo in January? Who cares, so long as we are together. I'm going up tomorrow, after class.
But let's talk about her take on the Lapband shall we?
Much to my surprise we started dating 15 months ago. I was pushing 300 pounds. She's 5'8'' and hovers around 170. Yeah her, not being hung up on size. We hit it off.
We knew from the get go she was due to be transferred, we both thought it would end when she moved. We kept it casual and light. We kept it going after the transfer. We fell in real live grown up love. We are in between monogamous and committed forever.
I told her after I set my consultation that I was going to really consider WLS. She asked all the right questions. I offered to send her some links to get information, she said she'd be looking it up on her own. I think she wants to find unbiased information. Cool with me. She's not coming to the consultation, but she wants to help with the surgery and the recovery. I expected that, but I also would not have been surprised if she pulled away. We push and pull at times. Anyway, this lapband jounrey.
And this is just an aside. The girl. She's fine. She's not just tall and normal sized. But she's down right attractive by everybody's standards. She loves her family. She's also a professional who makes too much money. She has the right balance between attaching herself to my kid and respecting she might not be a permanent fixture so doesn't over do it.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
NON SCALE VICTORIES
1. Having my kid's hands touch when she wraps her arms around me.
2. Seeing my collar bones.
3. Buying bras and panties at Victoria's Secret.
4. Riding a roller coaster.
5. Moving my car seat closer to the wheel.
6. No extender on a plane.
7. To tie my gym shoes with out strain.
8. Sexually, be more athletic.
9. Removing links from my watch.
10. No more knee pain.
11. Buying clothes in the regular department.
12. Smaller shoe size. Yeah my feet get smaller when I get smaller.
13. Wearing heels and not feeling crippled.
14. Riding my bike regularly.
15. Running one mile.
16. Running three miles.
17. Take a kick boxing class.
18. Stop snoring.
19. Not worrying about the size of booths at restaurants.
20. Not worrying about seat belts in other people's cars fitting or not.
21. Wearing a sexy red dress.
22. Comfortably fitting in the tub with my kid.
23. Ride a jetski on vacation.
24. Hike all day.
25. Stop sneaking food. I live alone, but still feel like I sneak.
2. Seeing my collar bones.
3. Buying bras and panties at Victoria's Secret.
4. Riding a roller coaster.
5. Moving my car seat closer to the wheel.
6. No extender on a plane.
7. To tie my gym shoes with out strain.
8. Sexually, be more athletic.
9. Removing links from my watch.
10. No more knee pain.
11. Buying clothes in the regular department.
12. Smaller shoe size. Yeah my feet get smaller when I get smaller.
13. Wearing heels and not feeling crippled.
14. Riding my bike regularly.
15. Running one mile.
16. Running three miles.
17. Take a kick boxing class.
18. Stop snoring.
19. Not worrying about the size of booths at restaurants.
20. Not worrying about seat belts in other people's cars fitting or not.
21. Wearing a sexy red dress.
22. Comfortably fitting in the tub with my kid.
23. Ride a jetski on vacation.
24. Hike all day.
25. Stop sneaking food. I live alone, but still feel like I sneak.
Keeping Track
Time for keeping track of things.
It's not like I don't already. But I'm embracing my list making ways instead of being closeted about them. Emm (closest work buddy/neighbor) told me her take on list makers, it's our way to have control in our world that sometimes spins out of our influence.
I have my Franklin Covey planner. I love it. You can have it only when you pull it out of my dead lifeless hands. I took the class a few years back. Now I'm using it as god intended. Or Franklin Covey did. And yeah, I know they are two different people. Yesterday, I kid you not, I wrote in my planner, 'wash the dog' and 'make a pie'. Both things need to be done. I'm only one person and I'm pushing 40 so I forget things.
But it's time to track what I'm eating and when I'm working out. See that? I'm working out. Since deciding to look into WLS, I've hit the gym. My bag is packed for this afternoon too. I'll hit the gym tomorrow as well, also Saturday before I go to class, I'm hoping, I'm planning. I wrote it down. I did.
Last night I did a list of my 25 NSV I want to experience. NSV= non scale victory. Do I slash "want" for "will"? How we chose words impact how we make things happen, right?
I will experience those NSV. They will sit in a post all their own. Give me a minute.
I'm excited for making the choice to think about the band; to look closely at it being a tool. I want something to help me. I know I need the help. What more can a girl do? One day, one decision at a time. Rather like school. I'll tell you last 2 quarters I took accounting. Kill me. I literally had to think, one problem at a time. Each problem I completed I was that much closer to graduating.
Please don't pick this apart but I've said before, "I've got more confidence than a fat girl should." I'm a confident person but when I have the "beat the hell out of yourself party" being under educated and over weight are always the guests. I'm taking control of both things, and if I have to write down every move in a list to get it done, I will.
It's not like I don't already. But I'm embracing my list making ways instead of being closeted about them. Emm (closest work buddy/neighbor) told me her take on list makers, it's our way to have control in our world that sometimes spins out of our influence.
I have my Franklin Covey planner. I love it. You can have it only when you pull it out of my dead lifeless hands. I took the class a few years back. Now I'm using it as god intended. Or Franklin Covey did. And yeah, I know they are two different people. Yesterday, I kid you not, I wrote in my planner, 'wash the dog' and 'make a pie'. Both things need to be done. I'm only one person and I'm pushing 40 so I forget things.
But it's time to track what I'm eating and when I'm working out. See that? I'm working out. Since deciding to look into WLS, I've hit the gym. My bag is packed for this afternoon too. I'll hit the gym tomorrow as well, also Saturday before I go to class, I'm hoping, I'm planning. I wrote it down. I did.
Last night I did a list of my 25 NSV I want to experience. NSV= non scale victory. Do I slash "want" for "will"? How we chose words impact how we make things happen, right?
I will experience those NSV. They will sit in a post all their own. Give me a minute.
I'm excited for making the choice to think about the band; to look closely at it being a tool. I want something to help me. I know I need the help. What more can a girl do? One day, one decision at a time. Rather like school. I'll tell you last 2 quarters I took accounting. Kill me. I literally had to think, one problem at a time. Each problem I completed I was that much closer to graduating.
Please don't pick this apart but I've said before, "I've got more confidence than a fat girl should." I'm a confident person but when I have the "beat the hell out of yourself party" being under educated and over weight are always the guests. I'm taking control of both things, and if I have to write down every move in a list to get it done, I will.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
It's all New
Okay kids, this is my new blog on Blogspot. I've been on blogdrive for a few years, but I want a new beginning all the way around.
Lap Band, so you see the title this is about my adventure down the road to getting a lap band and where it might lead this life.
And no, I lead this life but I'm going to be making some choices that will change the course I've been on. And that's a good thing. First choice was deciding to get a consultation after reading a few items on the internet about them. http://www.lap-band.com/about.html will give you some information on the technical side of things.
Then I got on a few list serves with people who either have or like me are considering having the band installed. I've learned a lot reading about their experiences. Interesting, scary but pretty much I'm ready to get it done and get on with losing weight.
Since my consultation isn't until February 2nd I'm trying to wrap my head around what it might be like. Eating small bites, chewing well, sipping instead of gulping water. I got my ass back to the gym as well. Because as I see it the band will be a tool, and aid in getting the weight off, but I'm going to have to eat well and move this ass to make it more effective. And again, if I'm going to get surgery to control the food going in, I'm going to do the best I can to get the most out of the procedure. I'm going to work out.
At some point before, I'll take some pictures, get them up here. I'll also put down my weight and BMI.
Just for the record, I've been bigger than I am now. My highest known weight was 338, but chances are it was higher by a few pounds before I had the nerve to get on a scale. I'm under 300 now, but just. I'm 5'2''. So yeah I'm about as big around as I am tall.
Throughout high school I was a chubby size 16, around 155. In my early twenties I saw my weight hover around 230, size 22. As I got older in an unhappy relationship/burnout job my weight got to the high mark. I was 30 going on 31. At 32 I dropped 80 lbs. I got as small as a 24, I weigh around 260. As I recall the was a weight where I spent a few years. Seems plateaus happen on your way down where you lingered on your way up.
Well, there you go. As for stats I'm a single gay mom. My daughter is 4. I'm dating someone seriously. That's all there is to know for now.
Lap Band, so you see the title this is about my adventure down the road to getting a lap band and where it might lead this life.
And no, I lead this life but I'm going to be making some choices that will change the course I've been on. And that's a good thing. First choice was deciding to get a consultation after reading a few items on the internet about them. http://www.lap-band.com/about.html will give you some information on the technical side of things.
Then I got on a few list serves with people who either have or like me are considering having the band installed. I've learned a lot reading about their experiences. Interesting, scary but pretty much I'm ready to get it done and get on with losing weight.
Since my consultation isn't until February 2nd I'm trying to wrap my head around what it might be like. Eating small bites, chewing well, sipping instead of gulping water. I got my ass back to the gym as well. Because as I see it the band will be a tool, and aid in getting the weight off, but I'm going to have to eat well and move this ass to make it more effective. And again, if I'm going to get surgery to control the food going in, I'm going to do the best I can to get the most out of the procedure. I'm going to work out.
At some point before, I'll take some pictures, get them up here. I'll also put down my weight and BMI.
Just for the record, I've been bigger than I am now. My highest known weight was 338, but chances are it was higher by a few pounds before I had the nerve to get on a scale. I'm under 300 now, but just. I'm 5'2''. So yeah I'm about as big around as I am tall.
Throughout high school I was a chubby size 16, around 155. In my early twenties I saw my weight hover around 230, size 22. As I got older in an unhappy relationship/burnout job my weight got to the high mark. I was 30 going on 31. At 32 I dropped 80 lbs. I got as small as a 24, I weigh around 260. As I recall the was a weight where I spent a few years. Seems plateaus happen on your way down where you lingered on your way up.
Well, there you go. As for stats I'm a single gay mom. My daughter is 4. I'm dating someone seriously. That's all there is to know for now.
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