Is this the time and place to journal? I’ve got piles of things to do on the list. Actually I have yet to make a list…that’s on my agenda as well.
I worked all weekend, many, many hours which is fantastic; I can pay some bills. School starts today. Grad school. My MBA. I’m scared. It’s easier to stand still paralyzed than to actually move forward. Of course the ticking of the clock and legitimate deadlines are going to drive me away from this frozen state but just not yet.
At least my weight is moving again. The GF and I decided to track our food and hold each other accountable for three days. We had three days of success. We’ve committed for the next three days as well. I’m not sure what’s inspired the new commitment if it is my one year surgery anniversary coming up and I’m not under 200 pounds or if I was feeling full of pity or anger about the skin.
The skin is hideous, horrible, ugly and just plain bad. The skin makes me sad when I look at myself and I know it’s only going to get worse. But it’s par for the course. I knew it was going to happen but I just hoped I would somehow be spared. No such luck. But talking luck or happiness I need to get perspective and that’s happening. Regardless of what was impeding me, I’ve pushed it aside and I’m doing much better. Still a little blue or could be a little tired, but it’s working its way out.
Three cheers to a half gallon of water and 1300 calories a day. Woo Hoo.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Deliberatly Eating Poorly
Here's a new one for me.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.
Do it again.
There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?
Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.
This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.
She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.
There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.
BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.
Do it again.
There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?
Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.
This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.
She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.
There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.
BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Sleep is overrated.
There is something to be said about on line forums for meeting other people with like interests.
I’ve meet a few folks from across the US from LBT, from Florida, California, Michigan and Indiana in the flesh.
I’m supposed to meet a woman in Las Vegas when we go in a few weeks. That should be fun. I don’t know when, considering me and the SO have a fun packed schedule with a canyon bike tour, shows, clubs, wine tasting and gambling. I don’t know when we are going to sleep? Who need sleep? Sleep is for wimps.
The truth of the matter is I don’t sleep much anymore and I don’t watch TV all the much, maybe a few hours a week, and typically it’s a rental movie. I feel like I have the life of two people. Like I’ve got time enough to do twice the recreational of the average person; you know the whole going to school full-time and working full-time thing.
I was telling the SO that I’m feeling really proud of myself right now. The 4.0 at school, losing weight consistently, running, Zoe is good and doing better, my relationship with the SO is fantastic. We just did a retreat to plan, “Our Best Year Yet.” I’m making new friends with the biking gals. Of course Ms Pragmatic told me to not get too comfortable because that’s when trouble happens. She’s right, it is…but I’m basking for a moment.
I’m working pretty hard at getting to 199. My official weight is 207 at this moment and really my average loss is about 5 pounds a month. So I should be seeing 199 by Valentine’s Day. I want to see it sooner. So I’m eating differently and I’ve kicked up the cardio, which means I’m actually doing cardio on my non-running days. I’m on the elliptical trainer after my strength training. I’m changing the strength routine too. But there’s a whole different post in that.
That’s enough for today. Over and out.
I’ve meet a few folks from across the US from LBT, from Florida, California, Michigan and Indiana in the flesh.
I’m supposed to meet a woman in Las Vegas when we go in a few weeks. That should be fun. I don’t know when, considering me and the SO have a fun packed schedule with a canyon bike tour, shows, clubs, wine tasting and gambling. I don’t know when we are going to sleep? Who need sleep? Sleep is for wimps.
The truth of the matter is I don’t sleep much anymore and I don’t watch TV all the much, maybe a few hours a week, and typically it’s a rental movie. I feel like I have the life of two people. Like I’ve got time enough to do twice the recreational of the average person; you know the whole going to school full-time and working full-time thing.
I was telling the SO that I’m feeling really proud of myself right now. The 4.0 at school, losing weight consistently, running, Zoe is good and doing better, my relationship with the SO is fantastic. We just did a retreat to plan, “Our Best Year Yet.” I’m making new friends with the biking gals. Of course Ms Pragmatic told me to not get too comfortable because that’s when trouble happens. She’s right, it is…but I’m basking for a moment.
I’m working pretty hard at getting to 199. My official weight is 207 at this moment and really my average loss is about 5 pounds a month. So I should be seeing 199 by Valentine’s Day. I want to see it sooner. So I’m eating differently and I’ve kicked up the cardio, which means I’m actually doing cardio on my non-running days. I’m on the elliptical trainer after my strength training. I’m changing the strength routine too. But there’s a whole different post in that.
That’s enough for today. Over and out.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Stovetop Stuff
Something I wrote on Lapbandtalk.com:
I feel the same way as you do about being tired of this process. But then I think this is not a process, this is my life. There are times when I get tired of my life too! :) Those are the times where a wait a week to pay my bills or I sleep a few extra hours instead of doing laundry...and when I take a breather from being hyper vigilant about food and exercise for a week or two.
The beauty part is, that I know after a small rest I'll get back to it. I'll pay my bills, I do my laundry and I'll take my health serious again. With the band I'm not going to fall away from caring for myself as long (years at times) as I used to AND while I'm on sabbatical I don't gain 10 or 60 pounds as I did in the past.
I expect there will come a time when weight loss/health isn't boiling high on my front burner, but I think it will always simmer on stove for the rest of my life, maybe on the back of the stove. I'll stir the pot occasionally but it will never be done. And to extend this metaphor even further...I've cooked the same recipe before but took it off the stove, put it in Tupperware, tossed in the back of the fridge and forgot about it until much later; later when I rediscovered the mold growing matter I couldn't even recognize what it once was.
I feel the same way as you do about being tired of this process. But then I think this is not a process, this is my life. There are times when I get tired of my life too! :) Those are the times where a wait a week to pay my bills or I sleep a few extra hours instead of doing laundry...and when I take a breather from being hyper vigilant about food and exercise for a week or two.
The beauty part is, that I know after a small rest I'll get back to it. I'll pay my bills, I do my laundry and I'll take my health serious again. With the band I'm not going to fall away from caring for myself as long (years at times) as I used to AND while I'm on sabbatical I don't gain 10 or 60 pounds as I did in the past.
I expect there will come a time when weight loss/health isn't boiling high on my front burner, but I think it will always simmer on stove for the rest of my life, maybe on the back of the stove. I'll stir the pot occasionally but it will never be done. And to extend this metaphor even further...I've cooked the same recipe before but took it off the stove, put it in Tupperware, tossed in the back of the fridge and forgot about it until much later; later when I rediscovered the mold growing matter I couldn't even recognize what it once was.
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