Goal Setting

The things I'm getting obsessed over are like setting goals and figuring where I'll be at the time, what I might be doing and so forth.

Like 226 will be 50% of my weight off. If I lose 10 pounds a month that should be the first of September.

I should be in Onederland around Thanksgiving. I should also be a size 20.

I feel a little out of control trying to find other avenues to press the weightloss thought process. It's so in the front of my mind. I know that's where it needs to be and I'm happy it's there, but I'm afraid I'm overly focused.

This too needs to go on my list of things to discuss with Chris. She is my therapist.

I started seeing her when I went through the break up 5 years ago. That lasted less than a year, I think. Or about a year.

Then when I decided to get this surgery, I knew there would be a psych evaluation and I wanted to get my thoughts in order about why I eat the way I do/did so I called her up to poke around my brain again.

Working on that stuff is the key to my success. I know it. She keeps me on point and gives be props for my moments of clearity. I'm so very grateful for that.

The other issue that's been getting at me is being awfully sad/angry with myself for allowing myself to get as heavy as I got. I know that's a "would've-should've" but it still doen't keep the pissy attitude from happening...

But I feel unstoppable. I know I am unstoppable. I am the only one who will get in my way and I'm done doing that.

Well there you go, Happy Tuesday.

Weekend Update

I spent the weekend with the GF at her place and we did pretty good with food and exercise.

It was supposed to and did rain all day Saturday and Sunday and the goal was to ride bikes. We instead did that on Friday once I arrived. It was impromtu but good. She had steaks, asparagus and king crab legs on the menu for dinner. It was delicious.

Saturday we took off for a local gym where we paid for a daily pass and worked our little buns off. It was pretty cool. I love that she is so supportive. We went back home to cook lunch instead of fighting for food that would work in a restaurant. I felt victorious, not dejected like I didn't get to eat out. --we did go to a steak house for dinner--I wanted chicken.

But it was all so very nice and good. The bad side of the weekend is that it ended a little early. She had a family emergency to tend to later on Sunday. I was planning on leaving at 6pm instead I left at noon. When I get to see her more often than once a month it feels like we are more real, not just visiting in each other's lives.

We do talk EVERYDAY and I do feel very connected to her, but it's rare that I can fold her laundry or restock the TP. Funny how that's comforting. Regular just feels nice.

Oh, and I've dropped 9 out of the 10 pounds with one week to go until I meet that goal. I know I will and so I shall remain fill less for another month.

Peace

Self Leadership

So, I'm in school full-time while I also work full-time. I'm a single mom with a 5 year old. I'm also, kicking my own ass to lose weight.

I ROCK.

And here's why. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm reaching goals set by me. I'm subject to other's timelines, like how long it will take to graduate, but I'm doing the work.

As for the weight loss I, for a change, don't feel put upon. I don't feel like I must only eat so many calories or I must workout for so many minutes. I feel like I am choosing to eat less and work out more because that will get me to my goals. And those goals aren't about looking cuter, but that's a side benefit, but goals tie back to providing for my daughter on many levels.

If I weight less:

• I can play more. She's not always going to want to play with me. I've got to do it now.
• I can make more money. Yeah, it sucks that society says fat people are less than skinny people, but I live in this society and I don't get to make the rules. I can do more for her than what was done for me. I grew up as part of the working poor. Don't get me started.
• I can live longer. My health getting better with every day and I want to feel good until the day I die. I know I might live long as a fat woman, but the quality of life the last decade or so will be dramatically affected by excess weight.

Really keeping the focus internal, not thinking this is something I've got to do because someone else says I should is key to being able to do this forever.

Or so I believe.

Whew

I don't know that I've really got much to 'whew' about. I've been working out and eating pretty well. I've come to realize that I can't graze or I'll over eat by the day's end.
I'm pretty good about watching when I eat and not going to crazy with the snacking.
Most interestingly I've given up much of the red meat I was eating. Not because it's unhealthy, but because I want to get the most food for my 1400 calories I get a day. I've been eating scads of fish so much so that I'm worried about mercury. I need to get on line and research about what's too much or if farm raised is better than wild. Also, I'm making more chicken. I forgot about chicken! Actually it's one of my least favorite meats...but I'm trying it new ways.

Anyway, just checkin in and it's going pretty well. Banded March 8th and still fill less. I'm hoping to go a good 6 months before needing a fill .

Peace.

Happy Birthday

Not to me, but to the GF. She's with her mom as they share the same birthdate. So Happy Birthday, baby.

I'm having a hard time today with food and feeling a bit out of sorts. I want to test my band to see if it's really there. WTF is that about?

I didn't feel up to doing much in the gym at work today either. I typically put in a good 1+ daily. Not today. I did 30 minutes of walking on the tredmill. I walked backwards for a few too, but that's as challenged as I got.

I had to go to Whole Foods today for my boy. I feed a kid with some SERIOUS allergies and so I go about every 3 weeks to get his food. I picked up stuff for me too and it just made me want to eat everything. Or it is that I miss things I'll never really dig my teeth into again. I CAN be a complete person having never eaten Kettle's Spicy Thai chips, right? The cheese counter there had me drooling.

No don't pity me. I'm working on the stuff and most days it doesn't bother me. Today it does. Tomorrow I'll be my stellar self.

Weekend

So my calories are up for yesterday and today and I'm dealing with it pretty well. They are up like 1800 yesterday and 1500 today, so it could be worse, but it's blowing my stats for the week. I want to measure my activity on Fitday like I do my calories so I can get a better sense of where I can make small changes.

The GF is doing lots to get in shape too. Our weekend had us biking together for the first time and working out at the hotel fitness center. It makes me happy she's right there at my side working on herself too. We are equally rigid in our take toward this.

But she's the reason my calories were up yesterday. She ordered an ice-cream and I said make it two. Duh. Such a bad choice. Really I know it's my choices.

All in all it was a nice weekend.

holy crap

I've reread some of my posts from eons ago and I'm feeling like, "wow, you've come a long way."

And I have.

The first of the year had me journalling my food on fitday.com. I was eating upwards of 4000 calories a day. No kidding. I cut back to 2500, then to 23oo, then to 1700 before surgery in March. Some people can go cold turkey but that would have killed me to have the sugar/bread cravings at the same time healing from the surgery.

Now I'm around 1400.

Since January I've lost one pound shy of 50. That's not so bad considering it's been 4 full months. My goal is 10 pounds a month.

Should I miss the 10 pound monthly marker I'll get my first fill. There's a huge post on that I'm sure I pour out later.

But all in all I'm back to being a gym rat. Which is fun and I feel great. I feel fit and energetic and like I'm never going to stop. The GF is working out too, eventhough she's in MI, we talk daily about how we are changing to be more healthy.

I did reveal my weight to her. For the last 2.5 years we had a running joke, or understanding, that I would tell her my weight when she told me her income. She makes ass loads of money and is on the regular size of things. I make little money and on the big size of things. Anyway, with the surgery and all the talk, I got tired of talking around the numbers, so I told her. I braced myself and said, "okay, what do you make?" She replied, "You really don't want to know." And I guess I don't. It's only a number.

And she's paying for vacation in August!

Later all.

Getting back into the game

We'll see how much of this I write about.

I've been banded. Years later it's happened. March 8th as a matter of fact.

I'll do more. Trying to get the picture thing down.

This would be a before pic.