Wow a month...

It's been an entire month and no blogging. Could it be my insane school load this session? I'm blaming that for everything else like the plateau from hell, to forgetting appointments, to being a grumpy pain in the ass.

Excuses work for me.

The plateau is the longest one to date. I've been flitting between 241 and 239 for three weeks. THREE FREAKING WEEKS!!!

I've been biking like crazy too. I get either 50+ or 100+ miles a week depending on my Zoe schedule. But I've also been eating more because the doctor said I could because I bike...and I'm wasn't strength training so much.

Well, that changed today. I'm at about 1100 calories today and I got in the gym for a full hour. That's 30 on the elyptical and 30 strength training. I noticed the last few days my back feeling sore and pulling. I know it's because I laid off the exercising, so that got me motivated today. That and the stuck scale, and when I went into the fitness center a pal was in there and she encouraged me to stick it out and do my whole routine.

It's strange, I usually LOVE the strength part and don't care for the cardio....

Anyway, I bike with a group of lesbians on the weekends and that's been super cool. My regular, get it done route is 20 miles now, which amazes me, considering 20 miles royally kicked my ass 2 months ago. I tried to set some heavy duty goals for the fall, but real life is getting in the way, I have to work a weekend A and I were going to shoot for 62 miles...so I've let go of the competitive thing with biking I was doing to myself. That's nice actually...my stress level is a bit high from the classes...


Whew...

So here I am.

They'd call this being stuck. I'm stuck in a rut, on a plateau, not feeling the diet part of this endeavor and just plain down.

I've not lost any weight in over ten days. I actually need to look and count the days, it could be longer. I've eaten more than typical, but I still should be due a loss shortly. I'm certainly eating fewer than 2000 daily and I still exercise. But today's bike ride was rained out. I did do some strength training though.

Tomorrow, I'll spend an hour on the cardio equipment and this weekend I'll spend at the pool with Zoe. Also I'll be doing some yard work. It's my goal to keep the calories super low this weekend, considering I'm not going for a big bike ride again until Tuesday.

I've taken to eating more on bike days and today I got burned. Then I just wanted to eat whatever I could find. Maybe I do need a fill.

I see Dr. Mikami on the 8th, I think it's the 8th, and if I'm feeling then like I am now I'll see about the fill.

On another note, I'm feeling pretty good about my relationship with A. and I'm feeling good, but stressed about my school work load. Oi.

I think I've got a picture worth posting, I'll see if I can get that up.

Later

So much...

I haven't gone for my first group ride. My last post said that I was going to, but it rained and I stayed home.

I am shooting for one tomorrow that I believe will challenge me. Yesterday I went out on my own and did 25 miles. My goal is to get to 100 miles a week. It's rather hit or miss if I get out or not right now.

But school is getting harder this session too. I'm in two classes, not one. It's excellerated so, there's a lot of work to do. And that freaks me out a bit. I know I just need to wrap my head around the work load and I'll be fine.

Went to Pride in Chicago this past weekend. Aside from one dessert (flourless chocolate cake), bagels for breakfast and lots of alcohol I did okay.

!

I was surprised the scale didn't yell at me this morning. But I'm back on the program today. I figure it's not defining, if you fall off, but how and when you get back on. I feel pretty good about my choices to eat how I ate. I knew it wasn't fantastic, but there are times when fantasic just isn't going to happen.

Although I am a bit scared for when we go to P-Town in August. I'm really going to have a plan in place before hand so as not to get too out of control. A weekend is one thing, a full week will be harder to get back aligned.

I'm looking cute and tan. I need to get a pic up soon.

kisses.

BIKE

So I bought a new road bike. The kind with skinny tires and the curved handle bars. I spent some real cash on it too. But I'm stoked.

I've also happened upon a group of lesbian cyclists who've welcomed me into their ranks. One of the leaders even helped me when I purchased my bike.

I'm riding with them tomorrow!!! I'm going out tonight, shooting for a solid 20 miles. Tomorrow's ride is 18 minimally. Buy the first of August I want to be up to 50 miles! What a fantastic goal!

And now, so you know, I am still with out a fill and I am still dropping 2.5 pounds a week. Yeah, baby...I should also be around 230 come August 4th, when we leave for Ptown.

I'm feeling good and like this. (This week...there are times when I'm not so hot about the whole damn thing, but that passes quickly!)

xo

6 mos of goals

250 pretty damn soon
230 September 1st. I'll only have 100 pounds to go.
223 October 1st. I'll have lost 50% of the excess weight.
213 November 1st. I'll have lost 100 pounds
199 before the end of the year!

I'll keep you posted!

Groggy and Tired

This is supposed to be about my weight loss, this here blog. But I'm in a bit of a haze.

I drank some wine last night, fell asleep okay, but awoke at 3:30 and fought to get back to sleep. I'm fighting with my GF in my head...

The wine/lack of sleep has me just moving through my day.

But let me talk about my weightloss... I was SHOCKED when I drop yet another pound this morning. Particularly because the wine and mussels and bread I ate yesterday...did I tell you it was delicious?! It's my goal now to take myself out once a month to a restaurant that has a chef and a wine list. I don't typically eat out much at all these days and this is so much more enjoyable than eating at some chain, e.g., applebees, fridays a few times a month. And I was out with George an old friend...he had me laughing most the night.

The grogginess is well worth it.

Goal Setting

The things I'm getting obsessed over are like setting goals and figuring where I'll be at the time, what I might be doing and so forth.

Like 226 will be 50% of my weight off. If I lose 10 pounds a month that should be the first of September.

I should be in Onederland around Thanksgiving. I should also be a size 20.

I feel a little out of control trying to find other avenues to press the weightloss thought process. It's so in the front of my mind. I know that's where it needs to be and I'm happy it's there, but I'm afraid I'm overly focused.

This too needs to go on my list of things to discuss with Chris. She is my therapist.

I started seeing her when I went through the break up 5 years ago. That lasted less than a year, I think. Or about a year.

Then when I decided to get this surgery, I knew there would be a psych evaluation and I wanted to get my thoughts in order about why I eat the way I do/did so I called her up to poke around my brain again.

Working on that stuff is the key to my success. I know it. She keeps me on point and gives be props for my moments of clearity. I'm so very grateful for that.

The other issue that's been getting at me is being awfully sad/angry with myself for allowing myself to get as heavy as I got. I know that's a "would've-should've" but it still doen't keep the pissy attitude from happening...

But I feel unstoppable. I know I am unstoppable. I am the only one who will get in my way and I'm done doing that.

Well there you go, Happy Tuesday.

Weekend Update

I spent the weekend with the GF at her place and we did pretty good with food and exercise.

It was supposed to and did rain all day Saturday and Sunday and the goal was to ride bikes. We instead did that on Friday once I arrived. It was impromtu but good. She had steaks, asparagus and king crab legs on the menu for dinner. It was delicious.

Saturday we took off for a local gym where we paid for a daily pass and worked our little buns off. It was pretty cool. I love that she is so supportive. We went back home to cook lunch instead of fighting for food that would work in a restaurant. I felt victorious, not dejected like I didn't get to eat out. --we did go to a steak house for dinner--I wanted chicken.

But it was all so very nice and good. The bad side of the weekend is that it ended a little early. She had a family emergency to tend to later on Sunday. I was planning on leaving at 6pm instead I left at noon. When I get to see her more often than once a month it feels like we are more real, not just visiting in each other's lives.

We do talk EVERYDAY and I do feel very connected to her, but it's rare that I can fold her laundry or restock the TP. Funny how that's comforting. Regular just feels nice.

Oh, and I've dropped 9 out of the 10 pounds with one week to go until I meet that goal. I know I will and so I shall remain fill less for another month.

Peace

Self Leadership

So, I'm in school full-time while I also work full-time. I'm a single mom with a 5 year old. I'm also, kicking my own ass to lose weight.

I ROCK.

And here's why. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm reaching goals set by me. I'm subject to other's timelines, like how long it will take to graduate, but I'm doing the work.

As for the weight loss I, for a change, don't feel put upon. I don't feel like I must only eat so many calories or I must workout for so many minutes. I feel like I am choosing to eat less and work out more because that will get me to my goals. And those goals aren't about looking cuter, but that's a side benefit, but goals tie back to providing for my daughter on many levels.

If I weight less:

• I can play more. She's not always going to want to play with me. I've got to do it now.
• I can make more money. Yeah, it sucks that society says fat people are less than skinny people, but I live in this society and I don't get to make the rules. I can do more for her than what was done for me. I grew up as part of the working poor. Don't get me started.
• I can live longer. My health getting better with every day and I want to feel good until the day I die. I know I might live long as a fat woman, but the quality of life the last decade or so will be dramatically affected by excess weight.

Really keeping the focus internal, not thinking this is something I've got to do because someone else says I should is key to being able to do this forever.

Or so I believe.

Whew

I don't know that I've really got much to 'whew' about. I've been working out and eating pretty well. I've come to realize that I can't graze or I'll over eat by the day's end.
I'm pretty good about watching when I eat and not going to crazy with the snacking.
Most interestingly I've given up much of the red meat I was eating. Not because it's unhealthy, but because I want to get the most food for my 1400 calories I get a day. I've been eating scads of fish so much so that I'm worried about mercury. I need to get on line and research about what's too much or if farm raised is better than wild. Also, I'm making more chicken. I forgot about chicken! Actually it's one of my least favorite meats...but I'm trying it new ways.

Anyway, just checkin in and it's going pretty well. Banded March 8th and still fill less. I'm hoping to go a good 6 months before needing a fill .

Peace.

Happy Birthday

Not to me, but to the GF. She's with her mom as they share the same birthdate. So Happy Birthday, baby.

I'm having a hard time today with food and feeling a bit out of sorts. I want to test my band to see if it's really there. WTF is that about?

I didn't feel up to doing much in the gym at work today either. I typically put in a good 1+ daily. Not today. I did 30 minutes of walking on the tredmill. I walked backwards for a few too, but that's as challenged as I got.

I had to go to Whole Foods today for my boy. I feed a kid with some SERIOUS allergies and so I go about every 3 weeks to get his food. I picked up stuff for me too and it just made me want to eat everything. Or it is that I miss things I'll never really dig my teeth into again. I CAN be a complete person having never eaten Kettle's Spicy Thai chips, right? The cheese counter there had me drooling.

No don't pity me. I'm working on the stuff and most days it doesn't bother me. Today it does. Tomorrow I'll be my stellar self.

Weekend

So my calories are up for yesterday and today and I'm dealing with it pretty well. They are up like 1800 yesterday and 1500 today, so it could be worse, but it's blowing my stats for the week. I want to measure my activity on Fitday like I do my calories so I can get a better sense of where I can make small changes.

The GF is doing lots to get in shape too. Our weekend had us biking together for the first time and working out at the hotel fitness center. It makes me happy she's right there at my side working on herself too. We are equally rigid in our take toward this.

But she's the reason my calories were up yesterday. She ordered an ice-cream and I said make it two. Duh. Such a bad choice. Really I know it's my choices.

All in all it was a nice weekend.

holy crap

I've reread some of my posts from eons ago and I'm feeling like, "wow, you've come a long way."

And I have.

The first of the year had me journalling my food on fitday.com. I was eating upwards of 4000 calories a day. No kidding. I cut back to 2500, then to 23oo, then to 1700 before surgery in March. Some people can go cold turkey but that would have killed me to have the sugar/bread cravings at the same time healing from the surgery.

Now I'm around 1400.

Since January I've lost one pound shy of 50. That's not so bad considering it's been 4 full months. My goal is 10 pounds a month.

Should I miss the 10 pound monthly marker I'll get my first fill. There's a huge post on that I'm sure I pour out later.

But all in all I'm back to being a gym rat. Which is fun and I feel great. I feel fit and energetic and like I'm never going to stop. The GF is working out too, eventhough she's in MI, we talk daily about how we are changing to be more healthy.

I did reveal my weight to her. For the last 2.5 years we had a running joke, or understanding, that I would tell her my weight when she told me her income. She makes ass loads of money and is on the regular size of things. I make little money and on the big size of things. Anyway, with the surgery and all the talk, I got tired of talking around the numbers, so I told her. I braced myself and said, "okay, what do you make?" She replied, "You really don't want to know." And I guess I don't. It's only a number.

And she's paying for vacation in August!

Later all.

Getting back into the game

We'll see how much of this I write about.

I've been banded. Years later it's happened. March 8th as a matter of fact.

I'll do more. Trying to get the picture thing down.

This would be a before pic.

APPROVED!!!!!!!

I got insurance approval yesterday afternoon for my surgery!
I didn't sleep a wink last night. Really it was 2am when I last looked at the clock. I get up at 6:30.

Regardless, I'm a happy girl.

If things go as scheduled I'll be having the surgery on December 19th. I'm learning not to put too much stock in the time frame others give me. But I do hope that's the day. It will fit my life perfectly. I'll be done with school for the quarter. Work will be closed the second week of my recovery. (I plan on being off work for 2 weeks.) And my initial week back to work will be quiet, because most the staff and all the kids will be gone. I can't be happier.

I also want to take a minute to acknowledge that this isn't going to be easy, and I know that. I want to be successful and I'm putting things into place to make sure that I am. I'm working out 4 to 5 days a week now. I plan on continuing that. I'm not so sure how my energy level will be with a liquid diet, but I'll make sure to get the right stuff in me to keep moving forward. I'm continuing with counseling as I go through this too. I know the emotional stuff can and will drag me down if I don't keep on top of it.

Not having coffee for 6 months is going to be the worse part of all of this. I say that now, having only had 4.5 hours of sleep.

gotta get the pic thing situated

Apparently I need to figure out how to do the picture thing on here.

My case is under review with the insurance company. I should have an answer with 2 weeks. I don't know how quickly after that I'll get to have my surgery. This has been quite a year. If I were going to give up on the idea I'd have done it already.

But I have no desire to give it up.

I've been working out the last two weeks. One more week and I'll desire working out more than I'll desire sitting on my ass. But my body is hurting a bit. It's not too bad...actually it's rather cool to feel like I'm getting stronger already, or have having the ability to do a full 30 minutes of cardio.

A gave me an iPod for our anniversary. I LOVE IT! For working out it's the best thing ever. I'm trying to comprise my workout play list. I've got some stuff on there, I need to buy more music, but I'm cheaping out. I need to figure out the P2P sharing stuff. As you can see I need to get a bit more technically savvy.

It will happen. No doubt.

Well, soon I'll be posting before pictures. I'm actually going to take them wearing my bathing suit, which is astonishingly brave. But what the hell. It's an education. People need to know what fat women look like.

Kisses.
Jae

2 weeks

Been six months and two weeks to be sure. I called the docs and gently reminded them to send in the info to the insurace wranglers. I did that on Friday. Gonna call tomorrow to see that is was done.

The insurance wrangler or wench or HBIC said I should expect about 3 weeks for my insurance company to come back with a decision, then getting on his schedule to have the surgery shouldn't take much time at all. With the caveate that he may want me to have more tests done, but probably not.

I plugged the C-pap machine back in last night. The insurance woman said they'll want me to have been on it for weeks. I of course have had the machine for months but I hate using it, and I don't use it consistantly. But that too is changing.

So speaking of change I'm faced with the fact that I need to change how I eat now. Not later. I know that will change too, but I've got to get some control over how I put food in my mouth. It's irrational the way I eat. So here's to tomorrow being a better, more controlled day. No giant portions and no free for all when it comes to food.

Alison is making me a little scared about doing this too. But that her shit. She keeps saying that she's worried she won't find skinny me as attractive as chubby me. But there's balance with that too, she says it's me that she loves, the inside stuff. The package isn't all that important. How many fat chicks would love to hear that from their partners? Lucky I guess.

Later darlings.

Six months are up...

Today was the last of my six months of doctor supervised visits. Yea Haw.

Can't say the PCP was all that enthused or encoraging. I'm frustrated with her almost to the point of wanting to switch. How can a fat girl get good doctoring from a doc who doesn't get that fat happens because of bigger issues other than lack of self control.

Anyway, items from her and the shrink need to be sent to the insurance collectors and then I will wait to hear for approval from Med Ohio.
Then I wait to hear from the clinic.
Then I get a surgery date.
Then I get it done.
Then I recover.
Then I move forward, with this little tool under my belt, literally....that will have me at a better weight and living a longer life.

Or so that's what I'm thinking right now.

Almost July

So I see the doctor next week, then in August and lastly in September. That will wrap up the six months of doctor supervised dieting.
HA! Dieting is a joke.
I've been eating poorly and feeling poorly for it.
Truth be told I have no real moitvation for dieting right now. Playing in the back of my mind is that soon enough I will have no choice in the matter and I will be eating right for the rest of my life. I so want to do the bandster thing correctly, I don't see me fudging it, eating around the band. That's not my style.

I was rereading a few of my posts here and realize that I was writing shortly after the Big Giant Fight in February. The girl and I made up, made things better, are moving forward. One thing that came fromt he BGF is I fought back, verbally. That gained me some sort of credit in her eyes. This weekend I said something jokingly, about not giving me grief, cuz I'd fight back. She replied that she knew that and I was her equal. It's fucked up, but the girl values a toe to toe arguement and I gave her what she values so I got me some cred.

But more importantly she told me she knew the surgery was coming up and she wasn't sure how to talk to me about it, how to react to my changing body and basically wanted to know what I expected from her. Can you say, "awe shucks?" I told her to keep it positive but don't say anything she didn't mean and to love me through the process. Knowing her, I think she'll do just fine.
Off to bed.

Holy Cow

Now this is a long time between posts.
What can a girl say. I've not felt much like writing. The weight loss issues are there, being dealt with. I suppose the lack of writing or the lag time has everything to do with the timeline I'm dealing with to getting the band.
In January I called for an appointment. That didn't happen until February. In March I realized I needed to do 6 months of dieting under the doctor's supervision. In in month 3. Still fat, still not doing much to change my habits.
But I am going to therapy. Today was the 5th session since the end of March. There are some great connections to food and my relationship with it. Very complex---to very simple. Sometimes a cookie is just a cookie...but sometimes that cookie offers love, understanding, validation, consolation and care when there was no one else to give it to me.
Then there's that was then and this is now and the need to adjust how I let my past influence my present and my future. All in all, progress.

Maybe not on the scale, but in my head and that is measurable at least to me, and that makes me feel good.

I plan on using this blog for a photo journal of sorts too as I move forward in this journey. So hold on.