I don't look like a fat girl any more. Well I look like a former fatty, we can spot each other, well pre-plastic surgery.
I've lost my membership to the fat girl club too. You know when you catch the eye of a similar sized person and you acknowledge each other. Yeah, I was looking across the room at this SMO woman and she looked right through me, didn't give me a second glance.
It didn't make me sad but it was noticeable. I just want to give a power to the people to the people who don't get much in the way friendliness. But can't force something like that, huh?
I was walking into a new gym last week and had to pump myself up and do all that positive self talk like you belong here, people aren't going to expect you to keel over and die in the first 5 minutes on the treadmill, it was odd. Then I got the mental picture, that whoa, I'm regular sized, I'll be just fine.
There's that stuff and then there's how do I get the last 60 pounds off? I was hankering for my original mojo and bemoaning that I just couldn't find it after months of trying. I correlated it to a relationship, you can only be new once. Then you grow it together. Most folks think of weight loss as a get it off then maintain it. It's impossible to feel the same way about something a year or 2 later.
Anyway thoughts to save for a later time.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
DETOX
Oh I love me some sugar. Give me all the sugar you can, simple carbs too. Pour the ketchup on it.
YUM, yum, yum.
It's actaully quite sad. I was just telling the GF I need to detox this week. I figure it's time. It's spring. I kept the weight loss going slowly durning the cold weather, but cycling is back. I want to see my goals met. If I don't get serious again it will never happen.
I find I'm full of advice for other people, but I need to apply it to myself.
Also, the birthday is passed. The cherry chip cake has been eaten and it's done. I'm going to purge the house tomorrow of the left overs from the party.
The good news is however, that at 40 I feel happier, healthier, sexier, and more in control of my life than I did at 30 and particularly at 20. I just wish my skin was as nice as it was at 20, but you can't have it all.
Things are busy which equals good. Will write more on the detox/purge as it happens.
YUM, yum, yum.
It's actaully quite sad. I was just telling the GF I need to detox this week. I figure it's time. It's spring. I kept the weight loss going slowly durning the cold weather, but cycling is back. I want to see my goals met. If I don't get serious again it will never happen.
I find I'm full of advice for other people, but I need to apply it to myself.
Also, the birthday is passed. The cherry chip cake has been eaten and it's done. I'm going to purge the house tomorrow of the left overs from the party.
The good news is however, that at 40 I feel happier, healthier, sexier, and more in control of my life than I did at 30 and particularly at 20. I just wish my skin was as nice as it was at 20, but you can't have it all.
Things are busy which equals good. Will write more on the detox/purge as it happens.
Monday, March 10, 2008
One year later
I was banded a year ago on Saturday. Happy Banniversary!
It's been an amazing year! I'm so happy I made the decision to be banded. I'm 112 pounds lighter than I was in January 07, and that's fantastic!
I'll be sharing more as I it comes into my head. There are times like today that I just don't feel up to blogging....you'll have that!
It's been an amazing year! I'm so happy I made the decision to be banded. I'm 112 pounds lighter than I was in January 07, and that's fantastic!
I'll be sharing more as I it comes into my head. There are times like today that I just don't feel up to blogging....you'll have that!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
OHH ache EYE OHH
OHIO, is waht that's supposed to mean.
The LBTers of Central Ohio got together today at Polaris mall and chatted about our experiernces with the process. There were about 12 people there, which was very cool.
I think I was further out than most of the women, (and one dude) so it felt like I talked too much. There's one or two people who are going to work hard to keep the group functioning and that's cool, because normally we know that Juli would be volunteering to contribute. I'll contribute by showing up. There is just no time.
I'm learning, Chris. I'm learning.
Well that brings me to the BMA, grad school problem. I'm not doing A work. Not for lack of trying, it's just that I don't seem to understand what is expected of me so I keep missing points here and there. I'm a solid B student at the moment and that's just no acceptable. It's kicking my ego's butt; and my ego isn't used to feeling dumb. I figure there's a solution out there, I just need to find it. If other people can get an A I can too. So part of my plan is a little more dedication and less slacking. TV is too much of a drawl and time eater. I've decided to tune it out again.
If I've not said this before, I know it sound sactamonious to say TV is evil, but holy cow it is. I love it though. I love everything about it. How I can go numb watching, how slick and beautiful commercials look, fun and moving story lines, social commentary in things like South Park and The Family Guy...I could go on. I love old movies too. Drool...TV....
But it's a soul sucker, time sucker of a lover and doesn't give you much back for all the you give it. So I'm kicking it out of my life again. It's hard though now with the DVR and the new TV going up in the bed room. GF asked for that and I want her to feel welcome here so GF is getting it.
Anyway, I realized that I've been posting here now over two years. Yee Haw and such. I can't recall how long I blogged on the last one, but this is cool.
The LBTers of Central Ohio got together today at Polaris mall and chatted about our experiernces with the process. There were about 12 people there, which was very cool.
I think I was further out than most of the women, (and one dude) so it felt like I talked too much. There's one or two people who are going to work hard to keep the group functioning and that's cool, because normally we know that Juli would be volunteering to contribute. I'll contribute by showing up. There is just no time.
I'm learning, Chris. I'm learning.
Well that brings me to the BMA, grad school problem. I'm not doing A work. Not for lack of trying, it's just that I don't seem to understand what is expected of me so I keep missing points here and there. I'm a solid B student at the moment and that's just no acceptable. It's kicking my ego's butt; and my ego isn't used to feeling dumb. I figure there's a solution out there, I just need to find it. If other people can get an A I can too. So part of my plan is a little more dedication and less slacking. TV is too much of a drawl and time eater. I've decided to tune it out again.
If I've not said this before, I know it sound sactamonious to say TV is evil, but holy cow it is. I love it though. I love everything about it. How I can go numb watching, how slick and beautiful commercials look, fun and moving story lines, social commentary in things like South Park and The Family Guy...I could go on. I love old movies too. Drool...TV....
But it's a soul sucker, time sucker of a lover and doesn't give you much back for all the you give it. So I'm kicking it out of my life again. It's hard though now with the DVR and the new TV going up in the bed room. GF asked for that and I want her to feel welcome here so GF is getting it.
Anyway, I realized that I've been posting here now over two years. Yee Haw and such. I can't recall how long I blogged on the last one, but this is cool.
Monday, January 28, 2008
BAM BAM
Is this the time and place to journal? I’ve got piles of things to do on the list. Actually I have yet to make a list…that’s on my agenda as well.
I worked all weekend, many, many hours which is fantastic; I can pay some bills. School starts today. Grad school. My MBA. I’m scared. It’s easier to stand still paralyzed than to actually move forward. Of course the ticking of the clock and legitimate deadlines are going to drive me away from this frozen state but just not yet.
At least my weight is moving again. The GF and I decided to track our food and hold each other accountable for three days. We had three days of success. We’ve committed for the next three days as well. I’m not sure what’s inspired the new commitment if it is my one year surgery anniversary coming up and I’m not under 200 pounds or if I was feeling full of pity or anger about the skin.
The skin is hideous, horrible, ugly and just plain bad. The skin makes me sad when I look at myself and I know it’s only going to get worse. But it’s par for the course. I knew it was going to happen but I just hoped I would somehow be spared. No such luck. But talking luck or happiness I need to get perspective and that’s happening. Regardless of what was impeding me, I’ve pushed it aside and I’m doing much better. Still a little blue or could be a little tired, but it’s working its way out.
Three cheers to a half gallon of water and 1300 calories a day. Woo Hoo.
I worked all weekend, many, many hours which is fantastic; I can pay some bills. School starts today. Grad school. My MBA. I’m scared. It’s easier to stand still paralyzed than to actually move forward. Of course the ticking of the clock and legitimate deadlines are going to drive me away from this frozen state but just not yet.
At least my weight is moving again. The GF and I decided to track our food and hold each other accountable for three days. We had three days of success. We’ve committed for the next three days as well. I’m not sure what’s inspired the new commitment if it is my one year surgery anniversary coming up and I’m not under 200 pounds or if I was feeling full of pity or anger about the skin.
The skin is hideous, horrible, ugly and just plain bad. The skin makes me sad when I look at myself and I know it’s only going to get worse. But it’s par for the course. I knew it was going to happen but I just hoped I would somehow be spared. No such luck. But talking luck or happiness I need to get perspective and that’s happening. Regardless of what was impeding me, I’ve pushed it aside and I’m doing much better. Still a little blue or could be a little tired, but it’s working its way out.
Three cheers to a half gallon of water and 1300 calories a day. Woo Hoo.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Deliberatly Eating Poorly
Here's a new one for me.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.
Do it again.
There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?
Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.
This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.
She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.
There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.
BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.
Do it again.
There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?
Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.
This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.
She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.
There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.
BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Sleep is overrated.
There is something to be said about on line forums for meeting other people with like interests.
I’ve meet a few folks from across the US from LBT, from Florida, California, Michigan and Indiana in the flesh.
I’m supposed to meet a woman in Las Vegas when we go in a few weeks. That should be fun. I don’t know when, considering me and the SO have a fun packed schedule with a canyon bike tour, shows, clubs, wine tasting and gambling. I don’t know when we are going to sleep? Who need sleep? Sleep is for wimps.
The truth of the matter is I don’t sleep much anymore and I don’t watch TV all the much, maybe a few hours a week, and typically it’s a rental movie. I feel like I have the life of two people. Like I’ve got time enough to do twice the recreational of the average person; you know the whole going to school full-time and working full-time thing.
I was telling the SO that I’m feeling really proud of myself right now. The 4.0 at school, losing weight consistently, running, Zoe is good and doing better, my relationship with the SO is fantastic. We just did a retreat to plan, “Our Best Year Yet.” I’m making new friends with the biking gals. Of course Ms Pragmatic told me to not get too comfortable because that’s when trouble happens. She’s right, it is…but I’m basking for a moment.
I’m working pretty hard at getting to 199. My official weight is 207 at this moment and really my average loss is about 5 pounds a month. So I should be seeing 199 by Valentine’s Day. I want to see it sooner. So I’m eating differently and I’ve kicked up the cardio, which means I’m actually doing cardio on my non-running days. I’m on the elliptical trainer after my strength training. I’m changing the strength routine too. But there’s a whole different post in that.
That’s enough for today. Over and out.
I’ve meet a few folks from across the US from LBT, from Florida, California, Michigan and Indiana in the flesh.
I’m supposed to meet a woman in Las Vegas when we go in a few weeks. That should be fun. I don’t know when, considering me and the SO have a fun packed schedule with a canyon bike tour, shows, clubs, wine tasting and gambling. I don’t know when we are going to sleep? Who need sleep? Sleep is for wimps.
The truth of the matter is I don’t sleep much anymore and I don’t watch TV all the much, maybe a few hours a week, and typically it’s a rental movie. I feel like I have the life of two people. Like I’ve got time enough to do twice the recreational of the average person; you know the whole going to school full-time and working full-time thing.
I was telling the SO that I’m feeling really proud of myself right now. The 4.0 at school, losing weight consistently, running, Zoe is good and doing better, my relationship with the SO is fantastic. We just did a retreat to plan, “Our Best Year Yet.” I’m making new friends with the biking gals. Of course Ms Pragmatic told me to not get too comfortable because that’s when trouble happens. She’s right, it is…but I’m basking for a moment.
I’m working pretty hard at getting to 199. My official weight is 207 at this moment and really my average loss is about 5 pounds a month. So I should be seeing 199 by Valentine’s Day. I want to see it sooner. So I’m eating differently and I’ve kicked up the cardio, which means I’m actually doing cardio on my non-running days. I’m on the elliptical trainer after my strength training. I’m changing the strength routine too. But there’s a whole different post in that.
That’s enough for today. Over and out.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Stovetop Stuff
Something I wrote on Lapbandtalk.com:
I feel the same way as you do about being tired of this process. But then I think this is not a process, this is my life. There are times when I get tired of my life too! :) Those are the times where a wait a week to pay my bills or I sleep a few extra hours instead of doing laundry...and when I take a breather from being hyper vigilant about food and exercise for a week or two.
The beauty part is, that I know after a small rest I'll get back to it. I'll pay my bills, I do my laundry and I'll take my health serious again. With the band I'm not going to fall away from caring for myself as long (years at times) as I used to AND while I'm on sabbatical I don't gain 10 or 60 pounds as I did in the past.
I expect there will come a time when weight loss/health isn't boiling high on my front burner, but I think it will always simmer on stove for the rest of my life, maybe on the back of the stove. I'll stir the pot occasionally but it will never be done. And to extend this metaphor even further...I've cooked the same recipe before but took it off the stove, put it in Tupperware, tossed in the back of the fridge and forgot about it until much later; later when I rediscovered the mold growing matter I couldn't even recognize what it once was.
I feel the same way as you do about being tired of this process. But then I think this is not a process, this is my life. There are times when I get tired of my life too! :) Those are the times where a wait a week to pay my bills or I sleep a few extra hours instead of doing laundry...and when I take a breather from being hyper vigilant about food and exercise for a week or two.
The beauty part is, that I know after a small rest I'll get back to it. I'll pay my bills, I do my laundry and I'll take my health serious again. With the band I'm not going to fall away from caring for myself as long (years at times) as I used to AND while I'm on sabbatical I don't gain 10 or 60 pounds as I did in the past.
I expect there will come a time when weight loss/health isn't boiling high on my front burner, but I think it will always simmer on stove for the rest of my life, maybe on the back of the stove. I'll stir the pot occasionally but it will never be done. And to extend this metaphor even further...I've cooked the same recipe before but took it off the stove, put it in Tupperware, tossed in the back of the fridge and forgot about it until much later; later when I rediscovered the mold growing matter I couldn't even recognize what it once was.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
HOLIDAZE
Not original I know.
I think I'm waking from the food coma I've been in. Well, nearly. Today was good until I got home and ate enough for two people. Really, I say that but I don't eat half of what I used to.
The happiest news is that I am now sporting size 18 jeans. I'm a happy girl. I was in 18's when I graduated from high school. I don't know what I'm going to think when I get into 10's or smaller. I'll be beside myself. There hasn't been a time in my adult life when I was a 10 or smaller. It will happen though. It will.
:)
I think I'm waking from the food coma I've been in. Well, nearly. Today was good until I got home and ate enough for two people. Really, I say that but I don't eat half of what I used to.
The happiest news is that I am now sporting size 18 jeans. I'm a happy girl. I was in 18's when I graduated from high school. I don't know what I'm going to think when I get into 10's or smaller. I'll be beside myself. There hasn't been a time in my adult life when I was a 10 or smaller. It will happen though. It will.
:)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
December's just whizzing by
It's nearly Christmas and I've not bought much for my kid. I've made gifts, necklaces and jerky. I'll be making fudge too, because I can't seem to have enough shit food around me right now. Okay, maybe I'll go back to spiced nuts....but that's not the point of this post. The point is I've been busy, I'm eating poorly, I'm a wee bit stressed about money (more so than usual) and I want those things to change. I don't want to be so busy, and come January2nd I'll be good. The food thing is a out of control. It's not just that I work around food, but it's the socializing too. I don't even have lots of that to do...just a little and I still can't keep from eating a piece of the cake though it's small...I know I don't like the icing and the cake is dry..I made the damn thing (it was beautiful however). I still ate it. I started breakfast with cookies and biscuits and gravy. I had some weird pork byproduct for lunch...at least dinner wasn't a complete shame. I did get broccoli down though it was flooded in light ranch dressing.
I'm typing/writing in a manner that doesn't suit me either. Typically I'm a many brief paragraph writer...not this fucked up stream of consciencousness. I worry that work is going to read what I write and nail me for profanity. But I also know that I'm allowed to write what I want, especially if I'm not at work and it's not about work...but I worry. I worry about future employers reading my archaic blogs and seeing that I'm less than. Less than what I don't know, but less than the person they want to hire for hundred grand a year. Oh, and yeah, that's my benchmark. I want to make that before turning 45. I'll be forty in April and won't have my MBA until I'm 41, but I think it's a reasonable goal. Perhaps a stretch but so is running a half marathon and I think I'll do that in 2008 as well. I'm shooting for a 5K in February, maybe a 10K in the summer, so I think I should be able to do a half marathon in the fall. So long as injury doesn't get in my way.
Whew...........I need to get to bed. I'm going to have to edit this post too at a later date because leaving it like this makes me uneasy.
Night.
I'm typing/writing in a manner that doesn't suit me either. Typically I'm a many brief paragraph writer...not this fucked up stream of consciencousness. I worry that work is going to read what I write and nail me for profanity. But I also know that I'm allowed to write what I want, especially if I'm not at work and it's not about work...but I worry. I worry about future employers reading my archaic blogs and seeing that I'm less than. Less than what I don't know, but less than the person they want to hire for hundred grand a year. Oh, and yeah, that's my benchmark. I want to make that before turning 45. I'll be forty in April and won't have my MBA until I'm 41, but I think it's a reasonable goal. Perhaps a stretch but so is running a half marathon and I think I'll do that in 2008 as well. I'm shooting for a 5K in February, maybe a 10K in the summer, so I think I should be able to do a half marathon in the fall. So long as injury doesn't get in my way.
Whew...........I need to get to bed. I'm going to have to edit this post too at a later date because leaving it like this makes me uneasy.
Night.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
High School Boys
I get coworkers giving me props all the time...but yesterday was the best one yet. I work at the state Deaf school. A high school boy who was hit by some real personal tragedy this year (brother committed suicide) has been walking around with his head bowed and really not communicating much. Well, yesterday he stopped me when no one was looking to say, "Noticed you've lost a lot weight, you look really great."
I said, "Wow, thanks. I've been working hard."
He said, "Great job" and "keep it up!” I got a huge smile from him too.
You know most kids are pretty self absorbed. I’ve had one chubby girl ask me what I was doing. I’ve had one sweetheart girl give me a huge hug and wow. I’ve had two gay boys, essentially say, “look at you!” But this boy has more reason than most not to be bothered with adults like me...so it just took me by surprise. His encouragement was so meaningful too.
I’m really awestruck at how much people are cheering me on.
I said, "Wow, thanks. I've been working hard."
He said, "Great job" and "keep it up!” I got a huge smile from him too.
You know most kids are pretty self absorbed. I’ve had one chubby girl ask me what I was doing. I’ve had one sweetheart girl give me a huge hug and wow. I’ve had two gay boys, essentially say, “look at you!” But this boy has more reason than most not to be bothered with adults like me...so it just took me by surprise. His encouragement was so meaningful too.
I’m really awestruck at how much people are cheering me on.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I had SURGERY?! HELLO
Have you ever kicked your own ass? Actually I was just writing on the LBT forum about the fact that I committed to losing weight January 1st, 2007 and I had lost 23 pound before surgery because I wanted to be 100% successful.
It's true. I did that. I thought that. I believed that.
My mantra was, "Eating like that won't get me to the goal I want." I thought that as I walked away from cakes, cookies, barbecued ribs. I politely excused myself from sweetly offered lunches out with the fellas. (In one of the nicest offers to grab lunch a maintenance man I work with asked me to join the guys for Tuesday wings. I said "no thanks".)
Today I ate like shit. I had corn chips and chicken nuggets. I ate some of a candy bar. I had a bagel with peanut butter. I didn't eat in a way that is aligned with getting me to my goals.
I lost sight of what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now. For those of you not privy to the Strategic Plan of my life. 05-09 is about losing weight and getting my undergrad and graduate degrees. Also raising my kid, loving my SO who is in an adjoining state and working full time. There's being a president of a board and other commitments too. But really it's about living the life that I designed, not one that was pieced together from the remnits, left over from a unfocused childhood.
So in the process of dooling out solicited advice, I caught wind myself of my own words. I need to get my mantra back. I need to make the choices that get me to where I want to be. And low, I do believe I shall.
It's true. I did that. I thought that. I believed that.
My mantra was, "Eating like that won't get me to the goal I want." I thought that as I walked away from cakes, cookies, barbecued ribs. I politely excused myself from sweetly offered lunches out with the fellas. (In one of the nicest offers to grab lunch a maintenance man I work with asked me to join the guys for Tuesday wings. I said "no thanks".)
Today I ate like shit. I had corn chips and chicken nuggets. I ate some of a candy bar. I had a bagel with peanut butter. I didn't eat in a way that is aligned with getting me to my goals.
I lost sight of what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now. For those of you not privy to the Strategic Plan of my life. 05-09 is about losing weight and getting my undergrad and graduate degrees. Also raising my kid, loving my SO who is in an adjoining state and working full time. There's being a president of a board and other commitments too. But really it's about living the life that I designed, not one that was pieced together from the remnits, left over from a unfocused childhood.
So in the process of dooling out solicited advice, I caught wind myself of my own words. I need to get my mantra back. I need to make the choices that get me to where I want to be. And low, I do believe I shall.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Drunk Dial
Is it a "Drunk Dial" if everything is cool between you and your sweetie but she's calling you a bit tipsy?
Seems the SO is on a business trip and had a few martinis and the urge to chat. "Hello."
I'm amused. She delights me to no end.
Okay, about the damn band. Actually, the band is fantastic, but I need a fill. I was hoping to be the UBER rock star bandster and do this with few fills. I guess going for fill #2 at nearly 9 months out is few fills, huh?
My weight has slowed to about 5 pounds a month. I was so used to 10 pounds a month. Reason tells me that rate wasn't going to last, but damn it a girl had some expectations!
But when spring gets here I see me hitting the bike hard again. And there is, dare I write it down, so I commit, a 5K I'm shooting for in February. AP is going to run with me. We've become workout buddies. She finds me inspirational and I think she's pretty damn cool. We do Aron's kick ass workout twice a week and our own stuff other days. Yesterday we did it side by side and it was so much more encouraging. I'm giving her nutrition advice, not that I have the credentials, but hell, I'm a professional dieter. Oh and I do feed people so I know a little.
Thanksgiving is coming and I'm not stressed about what I'm going to eat or not eat. That's freakin' unreal. I'm excited to be cooking for the family. It's been a long time since I've entertained and I miss it so much.
The house is getting nicer and nicer, I'm about ready to start hosting dinner parties again. Well, when there's time...But I'm going to make it happen. I really love it.
Over and Out.
Seems the SO is on a business trip and had a few martinis and the urge to chat. "Hello."
I'm amused. She delights me to no end.
Okay, about the damn band. Actually, the band is fantastic, but I need a fill. I was hoping to be the UBER rock star bandster and do this with few fills. I guess going for fill #2 at nearly 9 months out is few fills, huh?
My weight has slowed to about 5 pounds a month. I was so used to 10 pounds a month. Reason tells me that rate wasn't going to last, but damn it a girl had some expectations!
But when spring gets here I see me hitting the bike hard again. And there is, dare I write it down, so I commit, a 5K I'm shooting for in February. AP is going to run with me. We've become workout buddies. She finds me inspirational and I think she's pretty damn cool. We do Aron's kick ass workout twice a week and our own stuff other days. Yesterday we did it side by side and it was so much more encouraging. I'm giving her nutrition advice, not that I have the credentials, but hell, I'm a professional dieter. Oh and I do feed people so I know a little.
Thanksgiving is coming and I'm not stressed about what I'm going to eat or not eat. That's freakin' unreal. I'm excited to be cooking for the family. It's been a long time since I've entertained and I miss it so much.
The house is getting nicer and nicer, I'm about ready to start hosting dinner parties again. Well, when there's time...But I'm going to make it happen. I really love it.
Over and Out.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Between Classes
I know this is about my weight loss, but really it's about my life and my life right now is very much about school and weight loss.
I've got one more class before I start graduate school. No, I don't have a BS, or a BA, but I am enrolled in an accelerated under + grad program at the local business college. Come August of 09 I'll have my MBA and a degree in Business Management. I've been at this for nearly 3 years solid. 20 months to go.
Anyway, this weekend has me between the last class and starting the next one. It's an unsettling feeling. I was very busy the last two weeks, that culminated in a few very large papers. And now I have the lull where I'm worried about what it is I will be learning next. I do well, I will do well but I'm disquieted.
Learned to put inner tubes on my road bike today. God love Miss J and her willingness to do anything bicycling related, like lessons in November in my cobweb decorated basement.
I did get a BodyBugg, which is a calorie counting device that I wear all the time. I log my calories consumed at the same site and get a comparison about what kind of deficit I'm hopefully running at. Way cool.
The weekend was filled with friends and cooking, two things I don't spend much time on these days. Being between classes there was time in the schedule and that's a wonderful thing.
I've got one more class before I start graduate school. No, I don't have a BS, or a BA, but I am enrolled in an accelerated under + grad program at the local business college. Come August of 09 I'll have my MBA and a degree in Business Management. I've been at this for nearly 3 years solid. 20 months to go.
Anyway, this weekend has me between the last class and starting the next one. It's an unsettling feeling. I was very busy the last two weeks, that culminated in a few very large papers. And now I have the lull where I'm worried about what it is I will be learning next. I do well, I will do well but I'm disquieted.
Learned to put inner tubes on my road bike today. God love Miss J and her willingness to do anything bicycling related, like lessons in November in my cobweb decorated basement.
I did get a BodyBugg, which is a calorie counting device that I wear all the time. I log my calories consumed at the same site and get a comparison about what kind of deficit I'm hopefully running at. Way cool.
The weekend was filled with friends and cooking, two things I don't spend much time on these days. Being between classes there was time in the schedule and that's a wonderful thing.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Wow three times a week.
There's some real work avoidance happening here.
I ordered a Bodybugg this week. I can't wait to get it. I think it will inspire a renewed diligence to recording my food and working these freaking pounds off of me.
I've got a huge paper due on Sunday, an work audit in a week and I can't pull away from the here and LBT. That's some stuff considering.
Going out tonight with old friends. I know there will be drinking involved. I hope not to over do it. And that means more than 2 because ol' Juli here is light weight when it comes to drinking. But I'm going out with drinkers...and you know, when in Rome.
Between now and then I'll be spending 2 hours in the gym. All is good.
I ordered a Bodybugg this week. I can't wait to get it. I think it will inspire a renewed diligence to recording my food and working these freaking pounds off of me.
I've got a huge paper due on Sunday, an work audit in a week and I can't pull away from the here and LBT. That's some stuff considering.
Going out tonight with old friends. I know there will be drinking involved. I hope not to over do it. And that means more than 2 because ol' Juli here is light weight when it comes to drinking. But I'm going out with drinkers...and you know, when in Rome.
Between now and then I'll be spending 2 hours in the gym. All is good.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Better Still
Today was better and hopefully tomorrow will be better still. I stayed away from the coffee, though I did have some dark chocolate, but it was at night, not at my desk and it was thoughtful, not just cause.
I worked out hard today. I will again tomorrow. I've had this goal to go to a boxing gym and give it a try. That's supposed to happen on Saturday, but I've yet to call. I'm acting all chicken. It's not because of my size, it's just my discomfort doing new things. I like my life calm and steady. (That's how she got my attention.)
I did go and get fitted for running shoes today though. I'd like to say my time on the treadmill felt like I was floating on air. But I forgot a sports' bra and was too busy holding my boobs while running to notice my feet. Good thing I was alone in the gym, otherwise I'd probably given running a pass today. But the one minute on and one minute walk is working out fine. Just fine.
I was unusually tired today too. I actually took a nap after work. That was delightful. Now of course I'm wide ass awake but I have reading to do that will surely put me to sleep. Off to do that now.
Fun, fun.
I worked out hard today. I will again tomorrow. I've had this goal to go to a boxing gym and give it a try. That's supposed to happen on Saturday, but I've yet to call. I'm acting all chicken. It's not because of my size, it's just my discomfort doing new things. I like my life calm and steady. (That's how she got my attention.)
I did go and get fitted for running shoes today though. I'd like to say my time on the treadmill felt like I was floating on air. But I forgot a sports' bra and was too busy holding my boobs while running to notice my feet. Good thing I was alone in the gym, otherwise I'd probably given running a pass today. But the one minute on and one minute walk is working out fine. Just fine.
I was unusually tired today too. I actually took a nap after work. That was delightful. Now of course I'm wide ass awake but I have reading to do that will surely put me to sleep. Off to do that now.
Fun, fun.
Monday, October 22, 2007
October October
Ugh.
My eating isn't focused at all. Today I actually pulled my head out of my ass for a minute and got away from eating sugar and coffee. It's like if I allow myself coffee in the morning it's all over for the day. Well that's how it feels at the end of they cycle. I'll go a few weeks with out coffee, drinking tea etc. Then I buy a coffee, be it Starbucks or at work and the next thing you know I'm drinking it everyday, then I'm having two and that's a good 200 calories because I like it creamy...so then it's easier to let the chocolate slide in.
I'm hoping I can do it tomorrow as well. Really I need to do a little better tomorrow again. I know I'll be working out like a maniac tomorrow and Wednesday. Lord I hope a lose a few pounds between the old head out of the ass and eating better....
My eating isn't focused at all. Today I actually pulled my head out of my ass for a minute and got away from eating sugar and coffee. It's like if I allow myself coffee in the morning it's all over for the day. Well that's how it feels at the end of they cycle. I'll go a few weeks with out coffee, drinking tea etc. Then I buy a coffee, be it Starbucks or at work and the next thing you know I'm drinking it everyday, then I'm having two and that's a good 200 calories because I like it creamy...so then it's easier to let the chocolate slide in.
I'm hoping I can do it tomorrow as well. Really I need to do a little better tomorrow again. I know I'll be working out like a maniac tomorrow and Wednesday. Lord I hope a lose a few pounds between the old head out of the ass and eating better....
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I've lost my manners
I was just eating some scrambled eggs at work, at my desk, and the texture was off, too hard, so with out thinking I spit it back on to my plate.
I didn’t even think someone might be looking. The second the food hit the plate I look up with a line of spit from my lip still attached to the yucky little pile, just to catch a co-workers’ eye.
Nice.
That’s right, I might be getting all sexy-fine as another co-worker calls me. But that, that was really hot. I'm so proud.
I didn’t even think someone might be looking. The second the food hit the plate I look up with a line of spit from my lip still attached to the yucky little pile, just to catch a co-workers’ eye.
Nice.
That’s right, I might be getting all sexy-fine as another co-worker calls me. But that, that was really hot. I'm so proud.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Fifty Percent
I've lost half of my weight I'm intending on losing. That means I'm down 90 pounds. It is a lot of weight to lose, the 90 but more so the 180.
I've been glued to LBT and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling the weight loss is more real, but visualizing the out come has become increasing difficult. I really try not to think about it.
Yesterday, A offered to do some kind of celebration when I get to my goal. I hadn't thought about that. I've thought about the party I want when I get done with school, but not the weight...hmmmm
So while biking my 32 miles later in the day I pondered this, because it felt weird. I think it has to do with school being finite. Being morbidly obese, (MO) will never end, it's an illness I'll recover from but having an eating disorder will be something I will always have to manage, it will never end.
That's a new thought. I know there's help out there for people managing long term illnesses and I think that's my next avenue to explore. It doesn't make me sad, nor does the thought of never getting away from my eating issues make me want die. Once upon a time, I'd probably just bury the thought under a pile of food and forget the feelings. But you know, I've become the girl of no excuses. Now that I see the MO in a different light, like never ending, but manageable, I'm going to have to pick that a part.
It doesn't feel like an epiphany either. It just seems like yet another descriptor of myself, like green eyes and cute feet. Girl with illness. Hell, anyone who looked/s at me knows there's something a miss. Funny I'm just now seeing it in that way. And managing an illness is better than being on the end of the tail. You know the end of long tail flails around, not really sure which way it wag. Managing is at the base and there may be some movement but the arc isn't nearly as wide.
I need to clean up metaphor. I know what I mean.....ha!
Well, there's that.
I've been glued to LBT and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling the weight loss is more real, but visualizing the out come has become increasing difficult. I really try not to think about it.
Yesterday, A offered to do some kind of celebration when I get to my goal. I hadn't thought about that. I've thought about the party I want when I get done with school, but not the weight...hmmmm
So while biking my 32 miles later in the day I pondered this, because it felt weird. I think it has to do with school being finite. Being morbidly obese, (MO) will never end, it's an illness I'll recover from but having an eating disorder will be something I will always have to manage, it will never end.
That's a new thought. I know there's help out there for people managing long term illnesses and I think that's my next avenue to explore. It doesn't make me sad, nor does the thought of never getting away from my eating issues make me want die. Once upon a time, I'd probably just bury the thought under a pile of food and forget the feelings. But you know, I've become the girl of no excuses. Now that I see the MO in a different light, like never ending, but manageable, I'm going to have to pick that a part.
It doesn't feel like an epiphany either. It just seems like yet another descriptor of myself, like green eyes and cute feet. Girl with illness. Hell, anyone who looked/s at me knows there's something a miss. Funny I'm just now seeing it in that way. And managing an illness is better than being on the end of the tail. You know the end of long tail flails around, not really sure which way it wag. Managing is at the base and there may be some movement but the arc isn't nearly as wide.
I need to clean up metaphor. I know what I mean.....ha!
Well, there's that.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Montly?
Am I moving to monthly posts?
I've just been super busy. I think I get to breathe a minute here soon.
I've been over booked. Who ever said fat people are lazy never met me. I always have too many things going on.
What's cool to report now is that I have a trainer. A free trainer so I'm not sure how long she'll last but I'm happy to be working with her. Her name is Renee. I'm not all spiritual, or anything but I was struck with her appearance when she crossed my path as if she were sent there to help me over my 'blahs' about this whole weight loss process.
I've been burning things pretty hard and it seemed as if I had to loosen some of my structure around how I'm doing the weight loss stuff. Journal less, exercise less, just stop being rigid. But low and behold someone offers to work with me and encourages my progress, it's just impossible to say, "How about later?"
Yeah!
And I met other LBTers in Fort Wayne this weekend for a bike trip. They were cool. Two women and a guy. The ride was beautiful and the humor was thick. I think we hoped to connect a little better than we did, but all in all, they were good people and enjoyable.
I've just been super busy. I think I get to breathe a minute here soon.
I've been over booked. Who ever said fat people are lazy never met me. I always have too many things going on.
What's cool to report now is that I have a trainer. A free trainer so I'm not sure how long she'll last but I'm happy to be working with her. Her name is Renee. I'm not all spiritual, or anything but I was struck with her appearance when she crossed my path as if she were sent there to help me over my 'blahs' about this whole weight loss process.
I've been burning things pretty hard and it seemed as if I had to loosen some of my structure around how I'm doing the weight loss stuff. Journal less, exercise less, just stop being rigid. But low and behold someone offers to work with me and encourages my progress, it's just impossible to say, "How about later?"
Yeah!
And I met other LBTers in Fort Wayne this weekend for a bike trip. They were cool. Two women and a guy. The ride was beautiful and the humor was thick. I think we hoped to connect a little better than we did, but all in all, they were good people and enjoyable.
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