Montly?

Am I moving to monthly posts?

I've just been super busy. I think I get to breathe a minute here soon.

I've been over booked. Who ever said fat people are lazy never met me. I always have too many things going on.

What's cool to report now is that I have a trainer. A free trainer so I'm not sure how long she'll last but I'm happy to be working with her. Her name is Renee. I'm not all spiritual, or anything but I was struck with her appearance when she crossed my path as if she were sent there to help me over my 'blahs' about this whole weight loss process.

I've been burning things pretty hard and it seemed as if I had to loosen some of my structure around how I'm doing the weight loss stuff. Journal less, exercise less, just stop being rigid. But low and behold someone offers to work with me and encourages my progress, it's just impossible to say, "How about later?"

Yeah!

And I met other LBTers in Fort Wayne this weekend for a bike trip. They were cool. Two women and a guy. The ride was beautiful and the humor was thick. I think we hoped to connect a little better than we did, but all in all, they were good people and enjoyable.

Did I talk about my first fill? It was done under fluoro 6 days ago. Eating is way different now. I have to keep it a bit squishy still. I tried some straight up chicken breast and had a huge PB. So I make everything a little saucy now.

The teachers came back from summer brake and have been full of praise. It' makes me happy. I say I've worked hard to lose this weight but it doesn't feel like work. I've just changed my priorities and it feels right. I miss biking when I don't get out there enough, like yesterday and today would have been biking days but I was too busy with school yesterday and today it was too hot to be outside at 5pm. I've got a ride Saturday morning planned. So there's that.

A wee bit funky about school but that's getting better. Work was stellar today and that's more rare than I can say.

Peace lovelies.

1st Fill

Yesterday I got my first fill. I'm a little late to the game, typically they happen at 6 weeks and I'm at 5 months post op. Go ahead, call me a rock star. My surgeon does.

Yesterday, he said that he sees me dropping my next 50 pretty quickly. I hope he is right.

I've not had any issues with the fill so far. It's just as I expect. I'm not eating solid food just yet so I don't know really how it's going to go, but the mushy stuff is going down and that's really the bigger issue at this very minute. I'm able to drink enough while riding not to get dehydrated either.

My schedule is a bit crazy this session at school. I'm not traveling to see the GF until the end of the quarter. Though she is coming down here for Labor Day, probably. We have a giant bike ride to do that weekend too. Yippie.

I'm loving the biking. I'm glad I've found a sport that I can do and continually challenge myself on. You know I can increase milage, rates of speed or hills to constantely improve.

I'm going to be getting a trainer in November I believe. Then come February I'm going to start running. Maybe I'll start running sooner. I wonder outloud and to myself how running will mix with biking. It's just something I want to do and need to figure out benchmarks to reach for. CRAZY.

Off to get something squishy to eat then to the movies with Neal. :)

hmmmmmmmm

Not feeling it too much right now.

The weight not moving for a solid month is frustrating beyond words. At first I think it was a natural plateau, but then added to it was the notion I could eat more because I cycle...well I got busy with my insane school schedule and I didn't exercise as much (though still around 4 times a week) and the weight wasn't budging.

Then just recently the vacation kept losing at a distance. Perhaps it was those ice cream cones and bottles of wine? Bagels every day at breakfast? Very few vegetables? The GF came out worse than me, she gained 6 pounds. Tisk, tisk...

Anyway, I get a fill on Monday and I'm getting my ass back on the bike tomorrow. Plus my schedule with school isn't nearly as demanding this session. I am in the class room for the first time and it will take away one of my biking nights, but I can still hit the gym everyday. And really, that's the key. Consistency.

Also, I'm going to get on here or somewhere and realign my thinking with my goals...got to do more than modify my behavior, I've got to engage the cognitive piece too.

Aside from all that the vacation week has been a blast and I still have one more day. And really, eating all kinds of shit that I wouldn't normally let pass my lips was fun and interesting. Fun in that it tasted good, but interesting because I felt like shit regularly and I used to feel like that all the time. I nearly forgot how miserable too much food makes one feel.

Va Kay Shun

On vacation in P-Town. What a happy, queer place to be. Me and the GF are having a good time.

Eating could be better, we are having wine often and sweets here and there and simple carbs at breakfast at times but all in all we are doing okay. Yesterday we rented bikes and today we walked our asses to the gym to get a great cardio workout. We also walked a bunch...so I'm not to freaked about the food.

Well I can't step on the scale, but before I left home I was on a three week plateau! I was stressed with a rough session at school, taking two classes in stead of one, (One is full time as these classes are accelerated). And getting work situated so I could leave for a week....and I'm at about the peak of my ability to work this band without a fill....so I did what a smart girl should do. I called the doctor and made an appointment for Monday to get my first fill. It's been 5 months since my surgery. I believe it's time.

Wow a month...

It's been an entire month and no blogging. Could it be my insane school load this session? I'm blaming that for everything else like the plateau from hell, to forgetting appointments, to being a grumpy pain in the ass.

Excuses work for me.

The plateau is the longest one to date. I've been flitting between 241 and 239 for three weeks. THREE FREAKING WEEKS!!!

I've been biking like crazy too. I get either 50+ or 100+ miles a week depending on my Zoe schedule. But I've also been eating more because the doctor said I could because I bike...and I'm wasn't strength training so much.

Well, that changed today. I'm at about 1100 calories today and I got in the gym for a full hour. That's 30 on the elyptical and 30 strength training. I noticed the last few days my back feeling sore and pulling. I know it's because I laid off the exercising, so that got me motivated today. That and the stuck scale, and when I went into the fitness center a pal was in there and she encouraged me to stick it out and do my whole routine.

It's strange, I usually LOVE the strength part and don't care for the cardio....

Anyway, I bike with a group of lesbians on the weekends and that's been super cool. My regular, get it done route is 20 miles now, which amazes me, considering 20 miles royally kicked my ass 2 months ago. I tried to set some heavy duty goals for the fall, but real life is getting in the way, I have to work a weekend A and I were going to shoot for 62 miles...so I've let go of the competitive thing with biking I was doing to myself. That's nice actually...my stress level is a bit high from the classes...


Whew...

So here I am.

They'd call this being stuck. I'm stuck in a rut, on a plateau, not feeling the diet part of this endeavor and just plain down.

I've not lost any weight in over ten days. I actually need to look and count the days, it could be longer. I've eaten more than typical, but I still should be due a loss shortly. I'm certainly eating fewer than 2000 daily and I still exercise. But today's bike ride was rained out. I did do some strength training though.

Tomorrow, I'll spend an hour on the cardio equipment and this weekend I'll spend at the pool with Zoe. Also I'll be doing some yard work. It's my goal to keep the calories super low this weekend, considering I'm not going for a big bike ride again until Tuesday.

I've taken to eating more on bike days and today I got burned. Then I just wanted to eat whatever I could find. Maybe I do need a fill.

I see Dr. Mikami on the 8th, I think it's the 8th, and if I'm feeling then like I am now I'll see about the fill.

On another note, I'm feeling pretty good about my relationship with A. and I'm feeling good, but stressed about my school work load. Oi.

I think I've got a picture worth posting, I'll see if I can get that up.

Later

So much...

I haven't gone for my first group ride. My last post said that I was going to, but it rained and I stayed home.

I am shooting for one tomorrow that I believe will challenge me. Yesterday I went out on my own and did 25 miles. My goal is to get to 100 miles a week. It's rather hit or miss if I get out or not right now.

But school is getting harder this session too. I'm in two classes, not one. It's excellerated so, there's a lot of work to do. And that freaks me out a bit. I know I just need to wrap my head around the work load and I'll be fine.

Went to Pride in Chicago this past weekend. Aside from one dessert (flourless chocolate cake), bagels for breakfast and lots of alcohol I did okay.

!

I was surprised the scale didn't yell at me this morning. But I'm back on the program today. I figure it's not defining, if you fall off, but how and when you get back on. I feel pretty good about my choices to eat how I ate. I knew it wasn't fantastic, but there are times when fantasic just isn't going to happen.

Although I am a bit scared for when we go to P-Town in August. I'm really going to have a plan in place before hand so as not to get too out of control. A weekend is one thing, a full week will be harder to get back aligned.

I'm looking cute and tan. I need to get a pic up soon.

kisses.

BIKE

So I bought a new road bike. The kind with skinny tires and the curved handle bars. I spent some real cash on it too. But I'm stoked.

I've also happened upon a group of lesbian cyclists who've welcomed me into their ranks. One of the leaders even helped me when I purchased my bike.

I'm riding with them tomorrow!!! I'm going out tonight, shooting for a solid 20 miles. Tomorrow's ride is 18 minimally. Buy the first of August I want to be up to 50 miles! What a fantastic goal!

And now, so you know, I am still with out a fill and I am still dropping 2.5 pounds a week. Yeah, baby...I should also be around 230 come August 4th, when we leave for Ptown.

I'm feeling good and like this. (This week...there are times when I'm not so hot about the whole damn thing, but that passes quickly!)

xo

6 mos of goals

250 pretty damn soon
230 September 1st. I'll only have 100 pounds to go.
223 October 1st. I'll have lost 50% of the excess weight.
213 November 1st. I'll have lost 100 pounds
199 before the end of the year!

I'll keep you posted!

Groggy and Tired

This is supposed to be about my weight loss, this here blog. But I'm in a bit of a haze.

I drank some wine last night, fell asleep okay, but awoke at 3:30 and fought to get back to sleep. I'm fighting with my GF in my head...

The wine/lack of sleep has me just moving through my day.

But let me talk about my weightloss... I was SHOCKED when I drop yet another pound this morning. Particularly because the wine and mussels and bread I ate yesterday...did I tell you it was delicious?! It's my goal now to take myself out once a month to a restaurant that has a chef and a wine list. I don't typically eat out much at all these days and this is so much more enjoyable than eating at some chain, e.g., applebees, fridays a few times a month. And I was out with George an old friend...he had me laughing most the night.

The grogginess is well worth it.

Goal Setting

The things I'm getting obsessed over are like setting goals and figuring where I'll be at the time, what I might be doing and so forth.

Like 226 will be 50% of my weight off. If I lose 10 pounds a month that should be the first of September.

I should be in Onederland around Thanksgiving. I should also be a size 20.

I feel a little out of control trying to find other avenues to press the weightloss thought process. It's so in the front of my mind. I know that's where it needs to be and I'm happy it's there, but I'm afraid I'm overly focused.

This too needs to go on my list of things to discuss with Chris. She is my therapist.

I started seeing her when I went through the break up 5 years ago. That lasted less than a year, I think. Or about a year.

Then when I decided to get this surgery, I knew there would be a psych evaluation and I wanted to get my thoughts in order about why I eat the way I do/did so I called her up to poke around my brain again.

Working on that stuff is the key to my success. I know it. She keeps me on point and gives be props for my moments of clearity. I'm so very grateful for that.

The other issue that's been getting at me is being awfully sad/angry with myself for allowing myself to get as heavy as I got. I know that's a "would've-should've" but it still doen't keep the pissy attitude from happening...

But I feel unstoppable. I know I am unstoppable. I am the only one who will get in my way and I'm done doing that.

Well there you go, Happy Tuesday.

Weekend Update

I spent the weekend with the GF at her place and we did pretty good with food and exercise.

It was supposed to and did rain all day Saturday and Sunday and the goal was to ride bikes. We instead did that on Friday once I arrived. It was impromtu but good. She had steaks, asparagus and king crab legs on the menu for dinner. It was delicious.

Saturday we took off for a local gym where we paid for a daily pass and worked our little buns off. It was pretty cool. I love that she is so supportive. We went back home to cook lunch instead of fighting for food that would work in a restaurant. I felt victorious, not dejected like I didn't get to eat out. --we did go to a steak house for dinner--I wanted chicken.

But it was all so very nice and good. The bad side of the weekend is that it ended a little early. She had a family emergency to tend to later on Sunday. I was planning on leaving at 6pm instead I left at noon. When I get to see her more often than once a month it feels like we are more real, not just visiting in each other's lives.

We do talk EVERYDAY and I do feel very connected to her, but it's rare that I can fold her laundry or restock the TP. Funny how that's comforting. Regular just feels nice.

Oh, and I've dropped 9 out of the 10 pounds with one week to go until I meet that goal. I know I will and so I shall remain fill less for another month.

Peace

Self Leadership

So, I'm in school full-time while I also work full-time. I'm a single mom with a 5 year old. I'm also, kicking my own ass to lose weight.

I ROCK.

And here's why. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm reaching goals set by me. I'm subject to other's timelines, like how long it will take to graduate, but I'm doing the work.

As for the weight loss I, for a change, don't feel put upon. I don't feel like I must only eat so many calories or I must workout for so many minutes. I feel like I am choosing to eat less and work out more because that will get me to my goals. And those goals aren't about looking cuter, but that's a side benefit, but goals tie back to providing for my daughter on many levels.

If I weight less:

• I can play more. She's not always going to want to play with me. I've got to do it now.
• I can make more money. Yeah, it sucks that society says fat people are less than skinny people, but I live in this society and I don't get to make the rules. I can do more for her than what was done for me. I grew up as part of the working poor. Don't get me started.
• I can live longer. My health getting better with every day and I want to feel good until the day I die. I know I might live long as a fat woman, but the quality of life the last decade or so will be dramatically affected by excess weight.

Really keeping the focus internal, not thinking this is something I've got to do because someone else says I should is key to being able to do this forever.

Or so I believe.

Whew

I don't know that I've really got much to 'whew' about. I've been working out and eating pretty well. I've come to realize that I can't graze or I'll over eat by the day's end.
I'm pretty good about watching when I eat and not going to crazy with the snacking.
Most interestingly I've given up much of the red meat I was eating. Not because it's unhealthy, but because I want to get the most food for my 1400 calories I get a day. I've been eating scads of fish so much so that I'm worried about mercury. I need to get on line and research about what's too much or if farm raised is better than wild. Also, I'm making more chicken. I forgot about chicken! Actually it's one of my least favorite meats...but I'm trying it new ways.

Anyway, just checkin in and it's going pretty well. Banded March 8th and still fill less. I'm hoping to go a good 6 months before needing a fill .

Peace.

Happy Birthday

Not to me, but to the GF. She's with her mom as they share the same birthdate. So Happy Birthday, baby.

I'm having a hard time today with food and feeling a bit out of sorts. I want to test my band to see if it's really there. WTF is that about?

I didn't feel up to doing much in the gym at work today either. I typically put in a good 1+ daily. Not today. I did 30 minutes of walking on the tredmill. I walked backwards for a few too, but that's as challenged as I got.

I had to go to Whole Foods today for my boy. I feed a kid with some SERIOUS allergies and so I go about every 3 weeks to get his food. I picked up stuff for me too and it just made me want to eat everything. Or it is that I miss things I'll never really dig my teeth into again. I CAN be a complete person having never eaten Kettle's Spicy Thai chips, right? The cheese counter there had me drooling.

No don't pity me. I'm working on the stuff and most days it doesn't bother me. Today it does. Tomorrow I'll be my stellar self.

Weekend

So my calories are up for yesterday and today and I'm dealing with it pretty well. They are up like 1800 yesterday and 1500 today, so it could be worse, but it's blowing my stats for the week. I want to measure my activity on Fitday like I do my calories so I can get a better sense of where I can make small changes.

The GF is doing lots to get in shape too. Our weekend had us biking together for the first time and working out at the hotel fitness center. It makes me happy she's right there at my side working on herself too. We are equally rigid in our take toward this.

But she's the reason my calories were up yesterday. She ordered an ice-cream and I said make it two. Duh. Such a bad choice. Really I know it's my choices.

All in all it was a nice weekend.

holy crap

I've reread some of my posts from eons ago and I'm feeling like, "wow, you've come a long way."

And I have.

The first of the year had me journalling my food on fitday.com. I was eating upwards of 4000 calories a day. No kidding. I cut back to 2500, then to 23oo, then to 1700 before surgery in March. Some people can go cold turkey but that would have killed me to have the sugar/bread cravings at the same time healing from the surgery.

Now I'm around 1400.

Since January I've lost one pound shy of 50. That's not so bad considering it's been 4 full months. My goal is 10 pounds a month.

Should I miss the 10 pound monthly marker I'll get my first fill. There's a huge post on that I'm sure I pour out later.

But all in all I'm back to being a gym rat. Which is fun and I feel great. I feel fit and energetic and like I'm never going to stop. The GF is working out too, eventhough she's in MI, we talk daily about how we are changing to be more healthy.

I did reveal my weight to her. For the last 2.5 years we had a running joke, or understanding, that I would tell her my weight when she told me her income. She makes ass loads of money and is on the regular size of things. I make little money and on the big size of things. Anyway, with the surgery and all the talk, I got tired of talking around the numbers, so I told her. I braced myself and said, "okay, what do you make?" She replied, "You really don't want to know." And I guess I don't. It's only a number.

And she's paying for vacation in August!

Later all.

Getting back into the game

We'll see how much of this I write about.

I've been banded. Years later it's happened. March 8th as a matter of fact.

I'll do more. Trying to get the picture thing down.

This would be a before pic.

APPROVED!!!!!!!

I got insurance approval yesterday afternoon for my surgery!
I didn't sleep a wink last night. Really it was 2am when I last looked at the clock. I get up at 6:30.

Regardless, I'm a happy girl.

If things go as scheduled I'll be having the surgery on December 19th. I'm learning not to put too much stock in the time frame others give me. But I do hope that's the day. It will fit my life perfectly. I'll be done with school for the quarter. Work will be closed the second week of my recovery. (I plan on being off work for 2 weeks.) And my initial week back to work will be quiet, because most the staff and all the kids will be gone. I can't be happier.

I also want to take a minute to acknowledge that this isn't going to be easy, and I know that. I want to be successful and I'm putting things into place to make sure that I am. I'm working out 4 to 5 days a week now. I plan on continuing that. I'm not so sure how my energy level will be with a liquid diet, but I'll make sure to get the right stuff in me to keep moving forward. I'm continuing with counseling as I go through this too. I know the emotional stuff can and will drag me down if I don't keep on top of it.

Not having coffee for 6 months is going to be the worse part of all of this. I say that now, having only had 4.5 hours of sleep.